Couples should avoid bringing up past wrongs and already resolved issues in order to support their stand in a current matter.
Have you ever considered what percentage of our communication is through words? Studies have shown that what we say is usually interpreted through: 55 per cent body language, 35 per cent tone of voice, two per cent intuitive, and a mere eight percent through words.
Communication is not just about what we say but how we say it. Daunting as it may seem, Focus on the Family representatives Gary and Joanna Koh showed at the Barker Road Methodist Church “Marriage for a Lifetime” Conference, held in March 2014, how effective communication can be mastered in a relationship.
Is it okay to fight?
“When two people agree on everything, one of them is redundant.” (Looking Up the Aisle by David and Joyce Ames)
So yes, it is okay to fight. Many people feel that conflict is negative and should be avoided at all cost. However, there is such a thing as healthy conflict. This is how positive outcomes develop and how a couple hones each other’s strengths and perspectives. Proverbs 27:17 says: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
Gary and Joanna point out that it is more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. Creating space for conflict on important issues is the basis for open communication and a two-way dialogue.
What are the top conflict triggers in a relationship?
You may not be surprised to know that money and in-laws are the top triggers for disagreements in a marriage. This is followed by parenting styles, sex, division of chores and just plain miscommunication. At least half of these topics surface in every marriage and Gary and Joanna suggest some “rules of engagement” when addressing these sensitive issues.
Rules of engagement
The number one rule is to “Fight Fair” in terms of atmosphere, attitude and approach. There is a right time and right place to bring up issues of conflict. It should be in a safe and balanced space, preferably in private and not in the presence of other individuals.
Both parties should have the right attitude and be conscious not to adopt an accusatory tone with each other. A golden tip is to use “I” and not “You”: “I feel tired and burdened when you don’t do your share of the chores”, versus “You never fulfil your duty and you never consider how tired I may be”. Both statements communicate the same idea but they are very different in delivery. Approach conflicts in a mature way.
Gary and Joanna advise couples to “uproot and not shoot”. Take the opportunity to uproot any current wrongs and hurts, with the objective of resolving the matter. Couples should avoid bringing up past wrongs and already resolved issues in order to support their stand in a current matter. As it takes two hands to clap, it also takes two committed and receptive individuals to resolve a conflict.
Love and respect as guiding principles
The following statements, though not always true, are usually accurate: While men focus on facts and fixing problems, women are more inclined to consider emotions and share feelings. Women are great with details and men with the “big picture”.
Women are relational creatures whereas men are able to remove themselves from situations. Women are skilled at multi-tasking but men are better at focusing on one task at a time.
Because men and women are made differently and are motivated by different things, conflicts are bound to arise. A saying goes: Ridicule is as toxic to men as not being cared for is to women.
Ephesians 5:33 says: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
When it comes down to the basics, love and respect are key values for a strong marriage rooted in Christ.
SIGN UP * for Focus on the Family’s Connect2 programme, for couples preparing for marriage or in their first year of marriage. Two five-hour training sessions will be conducted by trained married couples.
VISIT * Focus on the Family’s website at www.family.org.sg for more information, other workshops, articles and resources related to communication in a marriage.
Photo above courtesy of Focus on the Family Singapore
Andrea Low is a volunteer contributor who is passionate about storytelling and graphic design. A PR communications professional by day, she worships at Christalite Methodist Chapel.