I’m a mother of a 2-year-old and have been reading about parenting and discipline as my child goes through the “terrible twos”. There has been growing popularity in positive or gentle discipline, where parents are advised not to carry out corporal (or physical) punishment. Some even advise not to say “no” to bad behaviour (such as hitting) but instead, ignore the bad behaviour or re-direct a child’s attention. Some also advise against telling our child to share their toys, fearing that it will result in a person who is unable to say “no” to others. What are your views on gentle parenting and corporal punishment? Can you advise on tried and tested ways to discipline a child in the way he should go?
Ai Jin says
Dear Confused,
If “gentle parenting” is a parenting style, most parenting literature advocate an authoritative parenting style. In the authoritative style, a parent is firm and effective in the use of discipline methods (being in control/stays in charge) and at the same time loving and supportive (relational). In contrast, parents are to avoid being authoritarian (demanding and punitive), permissive (let the child do as he/she pleases and “ignore bad behaviour”) or neglectful (give little attention or guidance and lack involvement with the child).
If “corporal punishment” implies a harsh kind of discipline method, let’s first consider what discipline encompasses. The root word “disciple” means learner. Discipline at a basic level involves instruction and teaching first. Training comes next, which helps the child develop habits and proficiency in his instruction over time. In sequence, discipline then involves correction and consequences. When dealing with defiance, disobedience and out-of-control behaviour, discipline may require “the rod” of correction to impart wisdom (Proverbs 29:15). And this is to be used reservedly and certainly not out of anger.
Which discipline method to use depends on age and context. Redirecting or distraction is a helpful method for children under three years of age because they are not capable of regulating their own emotions. The use of a reflection chair for a 6-year-old, or a time-out corner for a 4- or 2-year-old to cool down (4 minutes and 2 minutes respectively) is appropriate.
Not all tantrums (or misbehaviours) actually require discipline but rather, an understanding of the child’s difficulties. To manage a temper tantrum of a 2-year-old is to first discern if it is borne out of a need or is a control tantrum. If a child is hungry or tired, respond to these needs with food or sleep. If a child simply wants her way, sometimes not giving the attention, works.
