A recent invitation to be a panel speaker in a webinar on āhopeā led me to mull over this multi-faceted subject. Here, I shall consider the importance of hope in relationships that matter to us.
Before going on, allow me to define hope as a feeling of expectation, a desire with an anticipation that something better is possible.Ā As I see it, three elements must exist for hope to be present.
Firstly, there must be dissatisfaction with oneās current state as well as a desire for and a vision of a better state of affairs. Thus, if one has a strained relationship with another but is not bothered by it, there will be no desire to try to improve things.
The second element is the possibility for things to change. For instance, a broken relationship may be impossible to repair because all contact with the other party has been lost or that individual is deceased. There is then no hope for improvement.
The third element is oneās ability to attempt to effect some change. When a break in a relationship occurs, change is likely if there is awareness of what can be done to make amends, or if some common interest can serve as a reason for reconciliation. In working with family members in conflict with each other, I sometimes look for a common glue that may bring together the fractious parties. It could be a mutual concern to care for an ailing parent or a forgotten shared felt history of hard times they went through together.
When these three elements exist, hope then becomes a spark for change. Although it often does not in itself lead to change, hope can ignite the change process. Change, especially in the context of troubled relationships, does not happen overnight. Hope then is vital to sustain the change process. As we cling on to hope, we are willing to make sacrifices now for future gain.
What can get in the way of hope? One reason may be past experiences of repeated failures, disappointments or criticism. A mother I spoke to kept repeating: āI am not a good mother. I have failed my children.āĀ So fixated was she on this that she felt incapable of working at a better relationship with her children and unworthy of getting another chance at all.
Another obstacle may stem from a perceived lack of attributes or abilities to start or sustain the effort of change. However, it is not so much about having all the competencies and qualifications to begin with but about willingness to work on attaining them. After all, hope focuses not on the past but the future; not only on what has been or what is but what can be.
As believers, we can hold fast to the hope that God loves us and will not give up on us despite our unworthiness. We have hope not because of who we are and what we have but because of Who He is, and He is more than capable to do all that He wants to see in us. HeĀ is able and willing to help us surmount our present difficulties, the COVID-19 pandemic included.
As COVID-19 takes away things we are familiar with and we once thought were essential, we begin to appreciate the things that matter. One of these is our connection with others and the relationships that count. May we stand firm on the hope that our cherished relationships will weather the storms and stresses of this time.
Benny Bong has been a family and marital therapist for more than 30 years, and is a certified work-life consultant. He was the first recipient of the AWARE Hero Award, received in 2011, and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.