A client of mine is facing a difficult decision, akin to one doctors have to make to save the life of a patient with a badly infected limb—whether to amputate all or part of the limb. In her case, it would be an “amputation” of her 15-year marriage.
The “infection” has been in two ways. A decade ago, her husband began gambling in secret. It started with a small bet here and there on football matches before progressing to more frequent betting on various sporting events, with the wagers growing from tens of dollars to the triple digits. It caught my client’s attention only when loan sharks started harassing the family home. Instead of coming clean, he claimed it was a case of mistaken identity. It was only when banks began to call in their loans that he finally confessed. But this was seven years ago.
They went through two more rounds of financial crises. Each time, he would deny the problem and when he could no longer do so, hid its extent. Series of debt restructuring and a long repayment period would follow. He would promise to turn over a new leaf, but to no avail. Unfortunately, her supporting him through “thick and thin” cushioned him from the full consequences of his bad decisions.
His not being able to overcome his gambling addiction has led my client to consider an “amputation”, or severing of their marriage. She said this would free her from his gambling problems. She could then regain control of her life and finances, and plan for both her and their children’s future. Listening to her, I told her that divorce alone might not liberate her. There was a second “infection” she had to get rid of—her “addiction” to caring for him.
The term “co-dependent” is used to describe those who care for and repeatedly bail the addict out, even to a point where their well-being suffers. They sacrifice themselves hoping the addict will change for the better. As self-giving as their actions may be, the co-dependent is driven not only by care and concern for the addict, but also by the co-dependent’s sense of insecurity. It is as if they have no independent identity beyond that of being with the addict. It is as if the relationship with the addict is their addiction.
My client hopes that with an “amputation”, she can be free to heal. Without it, the rot continues. The tough decision to perform what I call radical surgery may be needful to allow for recovery. Such radical intervention is mentioned in Matt 5:29–30 when Jesus, teaching about sin, said that it is better to cut off the offending part than for the whole body to be thrown into hell.
My client’s hard choice may sound familiar. Most of us do not want to see those we are caring for—be they our spouses, parents or even our children—get hurt. At times, we even wish we could bear the consequences of their mistakes. In protecting them, however, we may not be doing what is best for them.
Benny Bong has been a family and marital therapist for more than 30 years, and is a certified work-life consultant. He was the first recipient of the AWARE Hero Award, received in 2011, and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.