Grief is a universal human response to loss. While most commonly associated with losing someone dear to us through death, grief can also be present in a divorce, the loss of a friendship, injury or serious illness, retrenchment, or when significant life events occur such as adult children leaving home, moving away from what is safe and familiar, or a change in social status upon retirement.
Grief highlights our emotional, social and spiritual nature when we experience the loss of familiar attachments to significant people and things which have contributed to our identity and our sense of security and comfort.
The sense of who we are is closely bound up with or influenced by our relationships, whether to a spouse, best friend, sibling, child or parent. In a relationship, the concept of “we” is constructed, beyond “you” and”me”. With loss, this sense of “we”—and its accompanying feelings of comfort, safety, security, identity—is inevitably threatened, so that any change or reconstruction feels unwelcome. The statement “I feel I have lost a part of myself” is very real when we lose someone dear.
Grief can affect us in many ways. Emotionally, it may manifest as sadness, confusion, anger, guilt, numbness, depression. Physically, we may experience fatigue, headaches, difficulty sleeping and/ or changes in appetite. Mentally, we could have difficulty concentrating, experience forgetfulness and intrusive thoughts. Spiritually, we may feel disorientated and question our faith and beliefs about the nature of God and the meaning of life.
There is no “right way” to grieve. Each person’s journey of grief is as unique as their relationship with whom or what they lost.
There is no “right way” to grieve. Each person’s journey of grief is as unique as their relationship with whom or what they lost.
According to Dr Brené Brown, 1 grief involves three fundamental elements:
- Loss
Besides death and separation which are central to bereavement loss, other aspects include loss of normality, loss of what could be and loss of what we thought we knew. - Longing
“An involuntary longing for wholeness, for understanding, for meaning, for the opportunity to regain or simply touch what we have lost” (Brown, 2021:111). - Feeling lost
Such a feeling entails a painful and challenging struggle to reorientate physical, emotional and social worlds.
In conjunction with bereavement grief, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross proposed a five-stage model of grief in her book Death and Dying. <sup>2</sup> Her grief model, to some extent, may equally apply in situations other than bereavement loss. Her seminal work had a large influence on the hospice movement and the acceptance of palliative care for the terminally ill. The five stages of grief she outlined are denial (avoidance, confusion, shock, fear), anger (irritation, hostility, anxiety), bargaining (conflict, struggling to find meaning, reaching out to others), depression (overwhelmed with the loss, hopelessness) and acceptance (considering options, readiness to move on).
However, grief is not linear. Many people cycle through these stages in a different order, or revisit them, perhaps multiple times.
However, grief is not linear. Many people cycle through these stages in a different order, or revisit them, perhaps multiple times. For some, the grief is immediate and intense. Others may grieve for weeks or months. It is also common for grief to return unexpectedly especially around anniversaries, holidays or significant milestones.
Dr Kübler-Ross explained, “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you’ll learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” It is the price of having loved.
Complicated grief is when intense feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear, anxiety, guilt, resentment, anger and shame go unresolved. It results from prolonged periods of acute grief (the initial period of loss that is intense) and interferes with the ability to reorientate and find new meaning. When the bereaved constantly expresses hopelessness without the loved one and finds everything to be pointless, and their behaviour leaves others feeling helpless and frustrated, grief therapy is advised.
Grief in the Bible
There are many expressions of grief in the book of Psalms, with perhaps the most poignant one, Psalm 88, written by Heman the Ezrahite who belonged to the Levite group of Korah. He was a grandson of the prophet Samuel and a seer and songwriter who served in the temple of God during the reigns of David and Solomon.
PSALM 88 (NIV)
1 Lord, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
3 I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbour—
darkness is my closest friend.
In Psalm 88, which might be the saddest of all the psalms, Heman expressed several truths common to believers in grief. He starts off affirming that God is his source of salvation, the one who can deliver him. He cries out continually and implores God to hear him. He is honest about how he feels and lays bare his anguish (v3-5). In the throes of his agony, he feels he might even die. He accuses God of indifference as well as blames him for his afflictions, while repeatedly crying out for help.
If anything, Psalm 88 assures us that grief is normal. We learn from Heman’s honest and heartfelt anguish and pain that we can open ourselves up to God in our grief. The Bible tells us he is a God of compassion who is “near to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18). Indeed, in Isaiah 53:3 Jesus is described as the “man of sorrows” and acquainted with grief, and is thus able to relate to our experience of grief.
The Bible is replete with accounts of grieving by spiritual giants such as David, Job, Jeremiah and the apostle Paul, besides the Son of God himself. Through it all, they remained confident that they worshipped and followed a God who understands us and can empathise with us in our pain. The Holy Spirit is our Helper (John 14:26) who hears us and intercedes for us even when we can find no words for our grief (Romans 8:22-27). Let the truth that God hears and carries us in our anguish inspire us to be like him and “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). In our grief, still believe that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28 NIV).