Jane’s story of her horrific abuse at the hands of her father was published in Methodist Message October 2023. While sharing her unimaginable ordeals was, to some extent, cathartic and empowering, her journey in search of healing and closure remained a dark and unending road. However, with family support and help from a therapist, the lights have turned on along her way. We hope this account of Jane’s continuing quest to overcome her trauma will encourage our readers to be “more than conquerors” over their own adversities.
To read Jane’s earlier sharing, click here: https://www.methodist.org.sg/methodist-message/god-is-in-the-valley-with-me-a-trauma-survivor-shares-her-story/
“We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy table, but thou art the same Lord whose property is always to have mercy.”
This line from the Prayer of Humble Access kept replaying in my mind. If God can have mercy and forgive us who are imperfect and sinful people, shouldn’t we learn to forgive others? Shouldn’t I try to—but how can I ever—truly forgive my father? I turned to my youngest brother for help and he referred me to a professional counsellor.
Meeting the counsellor, Peter (not his real name), for the first time was not easy. I worried about how to begin telling him my painful story. Eventually I approached it by showing him my write-up which appeared in Methodist Message (October 2023)—the extent of my father’s abuse surprised him as my brother had only briefly said I had many unresolved issues with my father.
Peter expressed that I was strong and brave to carry on living normally and even caring for my parents and the aunts who raised me, when many others in my situation would have resorted to alcoholism, drugs or even suicide. He asked if I was going to file a formal report and take legal action against my father. I assured him I wasn’t. All I want is closure: to be able to heal and move on. People may say I’m strong and brave, but affirmation isn’t the answer I need.
All I want is closure: to be able to heal and move on. People may say I’m strong and brave, but affirmation isn’t the answer I need.
Peter duly contacted my father, who agreed to meet him alone. Peter later said my father admitted to a quick temper and often venting his anger on me and my family, but he also made many negative comments about us. Peter asked my permission to reveal to him later the main reason for the mediation, and I agreed.
At their second meeting, Peter confronted my father about the abuse. He reported that it went something like this: “I asked him if whatever you had shared was the truth. Your father remained silent for a very long time. Then he started hyperventilating and seemed unable to speak. I talked to him and managed to calm him down. He then asked for some time as he needed to speak to your mother. He claimed this was so long ago and he couldn’t recollect much.”
After that, my husband began accompanying me to my sessions with Peter, sitting through them with me. Peter forewarned us to be prepared that my father might deny the abuse. I was filled with even greater anxiety, but I continued to pray for the Lord’s guidance and intervention.
When my mother knew what was happening, she told me that she didn’t want to participate in the mediation and would continue to pretend to be ignorant of everything, in particular, the abuse, as she was afraid that my father would walk out on her if she stood up for me. Both Peter and my brother insisted that she had to be involved. Finally, my brother managed to convince her to meet Peter.
My brother accompanied my mother to meet Peter without my father’s knowledge. She told Peter about her life with my father and her own personal struggles. She acknowledged that I had told her about the abuse a long time back and she believed me because she knew my father’s vices. At this point, my father had not yet said anything to my mother.
He did so about one month later. My mother said he broke down in tears while confessing what he had done. He sought her forgiveness. Then she had to persuade him for many days, to repent and face the consequences of all his wrongdoings. Thus, my father went to Peter and confessed to the abuse. Peter asked him to pen down a statement.
I was also asked to write an account of what had happened to me, and to my family over the years.
The mediation took place in the afternoon of Good Friday, 2024. In church that morning, I committed it to God and placed all my fears at the foot of his cross. Arriving at Peter’s office, I was still filled with anxiety when I remembered Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Peter asked each of us to share our own purpose for being there, beginning with me. Where I was seated, I was able to fix my eyes on a blank wall and imagined there, on the wall was Jesus on the cross, dying for our sins. “I’m here for my own healing and closure, and not for revenge,” I said.
When everyone had stated their purpose, Peter projected my father’s statement on the wall and asked him to read it aloud. It shocked me that he could remember the ways in which he manipulated me during our car rides, but I was also sad that he omitted so much of his wrongdoings.
It shocked me that he could remember the ways in which he manipulated me during our car rides, but I was also sad that he omitted so much of his wrongdoings.
I was told I could let my husband or brother read out my statement, but I chose to read it myself as I felt I couldn’t burden them. It was difficult for me to begin as tears overcame me immediately. My husband and mother, seated beside me on each side, held my hands tightly. There was some silence after I had finished reading, as everyone was in tears.
Peter asked my father what he thought was the best thing to be done. My father apologised profusely to both my husband and me for his abuse of me in the past, as well as all his verbal abuses towards my family. He said he was grateful I didn’t report him to the authorities, as he could not imagine himself in prison at his age. Everyone else also had a chance to speak, and did. The mediation concluded with Peter advising my father to learn to manage his anger and seek his help if he needed it.
Since the mediation, we have attended family gatherings again. My father is noticeably trying to change his behaviour towards me and my family, speaking in a kinder, more loving manner. I tell myself, this is just the beginning of the long road to healing.
I thank the Lord for being my hiding place throughout my painful life, and I’ll always be grateful to my husband and my brother. There are still days when I feel weighed down. Although I’ve forgiven my father, I’m still praying to be totally relieved of this burden. All I can continue to do is lean on the Lord for his comfort and peace. To God Be The Glory!
I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. Behold, I will heal you. ~ 2 Kings 20:5