Behind the scenes with “You & Your Family” columnist and veteran family therapist, Benny Bong
Imagine having to submit an essay to your school principal every month, the said principal having a reputation for sternness and being a stickler for the proper use of the English language. This is what family and marital therapist Benny Bong agreed to when Mr Earnest Lau, who was his principal at Anglo-Chinese School, asked him to write a regular column for Methodist Message (MM).
“He was on the editorial committee and I could not say ‘No’ to my principal,” recalls Benny, 68. The late Mr Lau served as Associate Editor from February 1998 to March 2011 and a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.
“I was prepared for honest feedback when I submitted the first draft. Mr Lau said it was okay and it was with relief that I continued to write the column,” Benny said.
The column was named “You & Your Family” by Mr Lau. One article led to another and 19 years later, Benny has written over 200 articles for the column.
Selected articles from Benny’s monthly contributions have been compiled into a book, Restoration: Rebuilding Four Areas of My Life. It is distributed at no cost with MM’s May issue. (If you are holding a print edition of MM, chances are you would have received a physical book. The book is also available as an e-book online and is free to download).
“I have always had an interest in the human condition,” says Benny, when asked what had led him to become a therapist. “I did not know what I wanted to study in university. By divine providence, I was admitted to the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences at the National University of Singapore. After graduation, I was exposed to counselling work at the SAF Counselling Centre. I liked it and later had the opportunity to study at The Counselling and Care Centre under the late Anthony Yeo.”
Mr Yeo, also known as the “father of counselling” in Singapore, was the first Asian director of The Counselling and Care Centre, a joint initiative of Wesley Methodist Church and St Andrew’s Cathedral.
Born to Christian parents, Benny attended Kampong Kapor Methodist Church from the age of two.
Benny sees clients of varying backgrounds and faiths but his objective to bring about reconciliation between parties and within individuals remains unchanged.
He explains, “If my clients are Christians, I bring them back to what the Bible says. If they are not Christian, I don’t mention the Bible, but the underlying values still apply. My Christian values are personal to me, not my client. As a counsellor, I’m there to help people, not to convert them.”
And help them he does, by working alongside his clients as they grapple with issues. For clients who know God, Benny’s work is not unlike that of a pastor in that he turns them towards how God wants them to lead their lives. Lengthy conversations often ensue, and he acknowledges a common struggle: “We know the law but how do we live it out? It’s often less about ignorance and more about making hard choices.”
Work as a counsellor can mean being exposed to the suffering of others when the pain is conveyed by the client. In other words, the counsellor experiences secondary trauma. When that happens, Benny’s faith supports him and he is reminded to turn to God because God knows the person’s pain more than he, the counsellor, can. Benny says, “I surrender my clients to God’s care. I do my best and often end the session by praying and committing that person to God. I pray the same prayer for the Christian and non-Christian because God knows and loves them.”
Having been in practice for more than 40 years, Benny maintains that a counsellor aims to work himself out of a job by helping clients develop skills to stand on their own feet. He observes that, while people turn to counsellors more now than in the past, there is still the stigma of having to acknowledge that one has failed and needs help. Benny says, “Counselling should not be the last resort, but it should not be the first, either.” Expanding on this in the context of Christians, he says, “I feel we need to teach people to be more resilient, to have a good relationship with God and learn to depend on him.”
Benny is cognisant that his “You & Your Family” articles may be read by both Christians and non-Christians. He says, “As a Christian asked to help people, I know that sometimes the simple direction of ‘What would Jesus do?’ doesn’t go down so well. In my column, I tend to talk about my clients’ struggles so that the readers can see how they can be true to their faith amid what they are facing.”
He applies the same philosophy for MM’s “At The Well” column where he also serves on a panel of counsellors who respond to relationship questions.
Faced with the issues and pain his clients share with him, Benny recognises the need for authenticity in his role as a counsellor. He elaborates, “It is important that my readers know that I am human, and I may struggle with some of the issues they struggle with too.” His readers will know that Benny shares candidly from his own personal and family experiences. “I am careful with issues of privacy when I write about some client experiences. But my wife is supportive of me sharing from our personal life and I do tell her before it goes to print.”
Grinning, he adds, “Sometimes.”
Download the free e-book, Restoration: Rebuilding Four Areas of My Life here.
The “You & Your Family” column is paused this month to give Mr Bong a well-deserved break.