There is a common misconception among Christians that forgiveness is something that can be brought about by one person (the offended party), while reconciliation requires two parties (the offended and the offender).
In her article on IgnatianSpirituality.com, Vinita Hampton Wright insists that:
My capacity to forgive does not depend on anyone else’s behaviour or permission. The person I forgive can continue to be cruel, thoughtless, and relentlessly set against me.1
Reconciliation, however, is different. She adds:
Reconciliation is a multiple-person process. When I reconcile with another person, both of us must first ask and/or offer forgiveness. But it must go further than that. Both people choose to do whatever it takes to restore the relationship.2
The root of this misconception is the view—held by many Christians—that forgiveness is unconditional, i.e. it does not depend on the repentance of the offender.
While on the surface this idea of forgiveness may appear very “Christian”, in reality, it is quite unbiblical. The Bible does not command or require Christians to forgive unconditionally because God himself does not do so.
The Bible repeatedly teaches that God offers forgiveness and salvation only to repentant sinners.
- No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish” (Luke 13:3)
- “And Peter said to them, ‘Repent and be baptised every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit’” (Acts 2:38)
- “Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out …” (Acts 3:19)
There can be no forgiveness (and therefore no salvation) without repentance.
Christians are to emulate the way in which God forgives—for God cannot possibly require of believers what he himself refuses to do.
For example, Luke 17:3 teaches that forgiveness is always conditional: it is premised on repentance. “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him …”
The conditionality of forgiveness does not give Christians the licence to hold a grudge against the person who has offended them. To hold a grudge is to nurture our anger towards the offender and to feed our desire to see them harmed. It is to be bitter, resentful and perhaps even to harbour a wish for revenge.
The New Testament clearly rejects this attitude (Romans 12:17-21).
The Christian must emulate the posture that God takes toward sinners, which is never one of grudging hostility but rather one of persistent love and the readiness to forgive.
The Christian’s unconditional love for the unrepentant offender requires him to seek their good, not their harm. Unconditional love is always merciful and never vengeful—it is always ready to forgive when there is repentance.
What about the oft-quoted passage which says that Christians must be willing to forgive “seventy times seven” times (Matthew 18:21–22 KJV)?
This passage indeed stresses that Christians must always be willing to forgive someone who has offended them—as long as the condition for forgiveness, namely, repentance, is met.
The important distinction must not be missed. This passage does not teach that forgiveness must be given unconditionally. Rather, it teaches that Christians must always be willing to forgive just as God is always willing to forgive the repentant sinner.
Even Jesus’ prayer on the cross recorded in Luke 23:34 (“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”) does not imply automatic absolution.
The prayer merely offers forgiveness, making it available, but actual reception still requires repentance on the part of his executioners.
Thus, the fundamental basis for both forgiveness and reconciliation is repentance on the part of the offender. When the offended party forgives the repentant offender, a way is created for the two parties to be reconciled.
Thus, the fundamental basis for both forgiveness and reconciliation is repentance on the part of the offender. When the offended party forgives the repentant offender, a way is created for the two parties to be reconciled.
How, then, can we understand forgiveness and reconciliation in light of Christian love (agape)? Put simply, while both forgiveness and reconciliation are premised on repentance, Christian love is not—it is always unconditional.
Although he requires sinners to repent of their sins to be saved, God nonetheless loves sinners indiscriminately and unconditionally. And, in loving us in this way, God makes provisions for our salvation even when we were rebellious and alienated from him. In his letter to the Romans, the apostle Paul writes: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8 NIV).
Yet, the salvation which God provides because of his unconditional love can only be appropriated if sinners repent of their sins and put their faith in God.
This is clear from the Scripture passages already cited above. The conditionality of salvation—and thus, forgiveness and reconciliation—is also clearly emphasised in arguably the most well-known verse in the Bible, John 3:16 (NIV), “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
The love of God is unconditionally made available to the whole world, but only those who put their faith in his beloved Son (which implies repentance), are recipients of eternal life or salvation.
In the same way, God calls us to demonstrate unconditional love to everyone—including our enemies. Thus, we are enjoined to love our enemies—to seek their good, pray for them, and even serve them—while they remain as enemies. But forgiveness and reconciliation (the healing of relationship) is only possible if those who have sinned against us repent of their actions.
This is the radical uniqueness of the Christian faith and the profound challenge of Christian discipleship!
We are called to always be concerned about the welfare of our neighbour and to always be prepared to be of service to them even though they have wronged us and remain unrepentant. We are called to love them even though the conflict in our relationship with them remains unresolved.
Dr Roland Chia is Chew Hock Hin Professor of Christian Doctrine at Trinity Theological College and Theological and Research Advisor at the Ethos Institute for Public Christianity. / Illustration by Minnow’s Mum
1 Vinita Hampton Wright, “Two Differences between Forgiveness and Reconciliation,” IgnatianSpirituality.com, accessed April 6, 2026, https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/two-differences-between-forgiveness-and-reconciliation.
2 ibid.
