In the 1950s, sociologist David Riesman coined the term “the lonely crowd”, in part to describe collectives of people who live according to common traditions and conforming values, but who barely know or like each other. I fear the church is in danger of becoming just such a lonely crowd.

Mike Frost wrote this sobering thought in his article “The Lonely Crowd: Churches Dying Due to Friendlessness”.¹ During our research for The Generations Project, ² it was clear that the desire for deep and meaningful relationships was present in every generation. Yet, underlying tensions between young and old were also equally obvious. Why does this happen and can we do anything to build better intergenerational relationships in our churches?

Differing ideals of mentoring

One of the very clear trends emerging from our research was that a majority of the Silent and Baby Boomer generations had not received personal mentoring where an older person with more life experience journeyed with and guided them through the challenges of life. For Baby Boomers, this was largely due to the fact that between 1967 and 1980, almost one in every two persons in Singapore was within the same age group (refer to table).³

Instead, greatly influenced and inspired by their books, prominent Christian authors were these generations’ “mentors”. When we asked a well-known local Baby Boomer pastor whether he had mentors in his younger days, he replied with gusto, “Yes, many! John Stott, A W Tozer, C S Lewis, and lots more!” Seeing my (Wei Hao’s) wide- eyed bewilderment, he quickly clarified that he didn’t know these spiritual giants personally, but because their books had a tremendous impact on his life and ministry he considered them his teachers and mentors. His next statement summed up the common experience of his generation, “In our time, mentoring was unheard of; we were content to admire our heroes from afar …” Able to admire them only at a distance, their mentors were models to aspire towards rather than people they shared a meal with. When asked to mentor the younger generations, they naturally followed the same track.

Their mentoring ideal is unfortunately very different from what the younger generations are looking for. Millennials and Gen Zs especially value people who are willing to have deep authentic relationships and are ready to journey with them without trying to run their lives. They naturally gravitate towards mentors or friends who are willing to be honest about their own failures and struggles instead of people who present their lives as “perfect”, for it is difficult to relate to such people. This is certainly influenced by the postmodern culture of these generations, which is to be greatly sceptical of those who appear to “know it all” or “have it all together”.

This has resulted in a situation in some churches where both older generation mentors and younger generation mentees feel “burnt” by the “mentoring relationships” arranged in their church. The mentors feel unappreciated and even slighted by their mentees despite their best efforts to provide the guidance which they had craved but was absent in their own youth; the mentees feel stifled and manipulated by what they perceive as attempts to preach at them without any effort to understand the context of their lives.

The “performance system” in our churches

Casting mentoring relationships within the context of a church programme or structure can also seem too contrived for younger generations. They prefer relationships to be more organic, as opposed to “arranged”, and motivated by positive feelings towards one another instead of obligations or responsibilities.

Many expressed their apprehension whenever they are approached for a meal or coffee by their church leaders because they expect the conversation to eventually lead to a “challenge” to step up in ministry and play a role in church. While they are not opposed to serving in church, having key performance indicators (KPIs) or return on investments (ROIs) for relationships, where the mentee is expected to emerge as a “better person” who can then be of greater use to the church, will ultimately result in a spirituality that is content only with external behavioural modification and no real internal change. This is because, once they start serving in ministry, their “spirituality” will be judged by how well they fulfil their responsibilities (i.e. whether they are able to lead worship or teach a lesson in cell). There is often little concern on whether their internal spiritual and emotional maturity matches up with the roles they are expected to play. In fact, they sense an unspoken “performance system” in church which may, for lack of a better word, be considered manipulative. These are perceived behaviours that will either be “rewarded” or which will draw criticism; both the reward or criticism seem to be motivated more by societal norms and expectations rather than biblical wisdom. Someone who verbally professes the need for unquestioning obedience to the Bible will most likely be looked upon more positively than one who expresses immense doubts about whether ancient biblical principles are applicable to modern life. In our churches now, someone like Job will probably not be well regarded, or seen as one with “leadership potential”.

In our quantitative survey, we asked both Millennials and Gen Zs how much they identified with this statement: “I believe that church can be manipulative in getting members to conform to accepted behaviours.” The results were much higher than expected; 28.9% of the Millennial respondents strongly identified with the statement and 40.5% identified moderately. Among our Gen Z respondents, it was even more, with 31.4% strongly identifying with the statement and 41.2% identifying moderately. This certainly does not paint a healthy picture of how they view relationships in church. What could possibly be done in the face of such discouraging data?

What about mutual mentoring?

The best mentoring literature has consistently pointed out that good mentoring is always a mutual experience—both mentor and mentee grow as they journey together. With the vast differences in formative experiences of older and younger generations, the present may actually be the best time for mutual mentoring. We live in a unique time when the young have more learnt knowledge (a consequence of being digital natives) although the old, as always, have more lived experience. Instead of competing, young and old now have things to offer each other. Intergenerational mentoring, done well, could be a great way to build up the Church.

Traditionally what the older mentor has to offer is his or her experience. But as Peter Gregoire reminds us, experience is contextual.⁴ It may not be immediately applicable to a newer context. The internet, for example, has been an enormous game changer. Experience gleaned from a pre-internet era may not be automatically applicable to a generation shaped by the internet. This does not mean that wisdom gleaned in the past is no longer helpful. But a dialogue between an older mentor and a younger mentee may help both uncover universal principles still relevant today.

However, for any attempt at mutual mentoring to potentially bear fruit, there must be mutual respect—all those in the mentoring journey must believe that they can learn from each other. The young must resist the temptation to dismiss the old as being out of touch with the world today and the old must resist the temptation to dismiss the young for having less life experience. Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV) undergirds mutual mentoring:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

In these times when there is such great need for the gospel, we need all the wisdom we can muster and that requires both old and young to help each other bring their best to the table.

¹ Mike Frost, “The Lonely Crowd: Churches Dying Due to Friendlessness,” Church Leaders, January 8, 2022, https://churchleaders.com/outreach-missions/outreachmissions-articles/379774-the-lonely-crowd-churches-dying-due-to-friendlessness.html.

² https://graceworks.com.sg/store/category/pastoral-resources/the-generations-project/

³ Sharmistha Roy, “Baby Boom Generation in Singapore and Its Impact on Ageing,” World Academy of Science, Engineering and Technology, International Journal of Humanities and Social Sciences 8, No. 3 (2014).

⁴ Peter Gregoire, Mentoring Reversed: The Road to Creativity and Imagination, Hong Kong: Proverse Hong Kong, 2017