I am a working mother with two young children, both under the age of five. I rely on a helper and my mother-in-law to watch my children while I’m at work. I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mum. However, my husband feels that it is better for me to work so that we can have two incomes, though I would rather make the financial sacrifices to be at home. He grew up with a working mother and thinks that all women should work unless there is no help at home. I am frustrated because he does not understand my desire to watch my young children grow up and thinks I should be thankful to have help. I also do not agree with the way my mother-in-law manages my helper and children. As a result, I end up arguing with my husband. How do I get him to see my point of view?
Benny says
Dear wannabeSAHM,
As a grandfather who helps with my daughter’s nearly one-year-old, I can see the joy and fulfilment child raising can bring. However, I also realise that this may not be the experience of every parent nor is it always a choice every parent can exercise.
Did you and your husband discuss these issues before starting a family? Then again, any view held can change upon the arrival of the children, when the reality of disrupted sleep, frequent diaper changes and trying without success to soothe an inconsolable child is experienced. Your husband might find it hard to fully appreciate what joy can be derived from being a full-time mother. Help him to know what it means to you and your children when it is you who are feeding or reading to them.
Aside from the obvious monetary benefits of a dual-income family, can your husband share his longer-term financial goals for the family? Perhaps he is planning for overseas studies for the children or an early retirement. There may also be the less obvious reasons behind his preference. For example, he may be concerned how full-time mothering might change you as a person or he may perceive that you being at work is better for family harmony as this might reduce possible conflicts over childcare practices between you and your mother-in-law.
Remember that the needs of children change over time. Soon, your children will start formal schooling. Whilst schools impart academic knowledge, parents have the important task of teaching values. Beyond the primary school level, many parents find that their children’s developmental needs are best met by formal educators and this is when some parents find their way back to employment. Part-time and work-from-home arrangements are other ways couples have used to square the circle. Be flexible in your employment choices and review it every few years as you try to find the best arrangements for all.
