Ever since my friend had a child, her whole world has evolved around his needs and schedule. Her son is now eight, and it is still the same. I feel this has made her not participate fully in church life or in relationships because her son comes first in everything. I feel I’ve lost a friend, but also I think she is not having a balanced family life with her son dictating her every choice.
Sue-Lynn says
Dear Auntie,
I can see your concern for your friend in having a more well-balanced life that involves participating more fully in church life and in her friendships or relationships outside of her role as a mother. At the same time, you may also be coming to terms with the potential loss of a friend who may seem to no longer be the same person since she became a mother.
Pray for God’s wisdom and the Holy Spirit to lead, as you find a time to meet with her. Start with seeking to understand her first and how her motherhood journey has been. If she had previously shared a concern about her son, ask how she is managing it now and how you can pray for her.
Is she struggling with motherhood, including the mental load of mothering? This refers to the invisible, cognitive and emotional labour that she and many other mothers often carry in managing household tasks, family responsibilities, child-care etc. Your friend may talk about taking on multiple tasks like planning, scheduling, organising and anticipating needs, often without explicit requests or recognition. It is this constant thinking and planning that goes into keeping a family running smoothly that is often a significant source of stress and exhaustion for mothers. Some mothers may struggle to find trustworthy sources of caregiving support, experience difficulties in disciplining their children, or may be trying to find a balance between work and home life.
Listen actively and genuinely validate the emotions she shares to help her feel seen and heard. Then, share your concerns with her truthfully but kindly. You could suggest that she carve out some time to do the things she used to do or enjoy, like meeting up with friends or a hobby.
You can also share how taking care of her own needs regularly can help her “recharge” and be in a healthier state of mind to then take care of her son. If you feel comfortable, also share with her how much you value the friendship and your feelings about losing her as a friend. Finally, encourage her to seek out other parents in her church community to have fellowship with and journey through parenthood together, while remaining rooted in God’s word and his truths.
