My 5-year-old son is in childcare. In the evenings and on weekends, my husband and I spend time with my son. This year, he told us he likes the colour pink, princesses, unicorns, glittery things, nail polish and dresses. He also told us he wants to be a girl. My husband explained how God meticulously created him as a boy and God has a wonderful purpose for him. My son still likes those things and recently told us again he wants to be a girl. I asked if it is because girls are nicer to play with and are gentler. He didn’t share further. What would be the advice for us as parents?
Sue-Lynn says
Dear Anna,
It is clear that both you and your husband are intentional in spending time with your son and prioritise the parent-child relationship, something of immense value. Your husband’s response is also grounded in biblical truth, highlighting how God meticulously created him as a boy (Psalm 139:13-16) and has a wonderful purpose for him. You can also highlight how God has created boys and girls differently, both in his image with equal worth and value (Genesis 1:27).
Developmentally speaking, young children are still forming their sense of identity, including gender identity and often experiment with gender roles, preferences and social cues. Liking pink, princesses or other things typically associated with girls does not necessarily signal confusion about who they are.
It can be hard for young kids to really understand or fully express why they have such preferences or wants, which is one possible reason why he did not share further. At this developmental stage, your son may like feminine things because he prefers to play with female friends and wants to associate with what they like. Your son may also like seeing girls dressed up in dresses and glittery things. He may say that he wants to be a girl so he can be accepted into the all-girl peer group in childcare.
One way to try to understand his inner world is to ask him to draw himself, his friends and what they enjoy doing in childcare. Then, ask open-ended questions like “Tell me more about _____”. You can also use the pictures from childcare to spark a similar conversation. It is important to continue to provide a safe space for him, so that he would be willing to share his inner thoughts and feelings when he is ready.
If your son previously used to like activities/hobbies typically associated with boys, you can consider providing opportunities for him to pursue those hobbies again or explore new ones. You can also organise play dates with friends who have boys. In addition, notice and specifically praise him when he displays positive character traits or strengths (e.g. “You helped your friend up when he fell, that is very kind of you”) as this will help in his identity formation. Above all, continue to grow the parent-child relationship and keep your son in faithful prayer, for God to help him understand who he is, fearfully and wonderfully created in God’s image.
