I am the only son and my mum, a divorcee, moved in with me after I got married. My wife and mum do not get along and it’s been nearly 20 years already. My 80-year-old mother does not want to live by herself as she is ageing but my wife says she cannot bear it any longer and has threatened to leave me and our three children. My wife wants me to place my mum in an old folks’ facility—anywhere, as long as she is not living with us. We’ve tried many times to ask my mum to live by herself, but she refuses. All of us are believers.
Benny says
Dear CH,
Are you familiar with the scenario where a man is asked whom he would choose to save from a sinking boat—his ageing mother or his wife? To put your dilemma in this way is a grossly unkind representation of your circumstance. After all, your wife and you have cared for your mother for almost twenty years and made sacrifices to care for her.
For your wife to reach a point when she is prepared to leave the family, speaks of how much she is at the end of her rope. It would be so ironic if this were to happen—it would be a second divorce in your family!
You mentioned being the only son in your family. Does this mean that there are other siblings? If this is so, the burden of caring for your mother should be shared by the others as well. Granted, they may not be able to have your mother stay with them and that this may not be your mother’s preferred care option, but this is the time to gather their opinions. As your mother ages, there will changes in her care needs and the capacity of those staying with her to attend to her. Therefore, any care arrangements are dynamic in nature.
Even if the decision is to have your ageing mother move out, carrying it out may prove to be a challenge. Most elder care facilities may be loath to receive a client who does not want to be there. You might need to work with a family counsellor who works with elderly clients. In the event that your mother does move, keeping in regular contact with you and her grandchildren is one way to assure her that she is not forgotten. I also recommend that you rebuild the marital bonds which has been under strain for some time.
