My husband and I are in our mid-30s and have been married for eight years. We are the only childless couple in our church community. He prefers our current lifestyle, is overseas half the month for work and is unlikely to change careers. I feel torn and deeply burdened by the challenges of childbearing—raising godly children in a broken world, with no family caregiving support. I also fear straining our marriage, sacrificing my own career and the chance of having children with medical conditions due to family history. However, my mother believes intentional childlessness is sinful, and I feel guilt for my lack of faith in God. How do I move forward? I feel pressured to decide soon as we are already in our mid-30s.
Joey says
Dear Hannah,
I hear you. It is true that it is not easy to raise godly children, and family support goes a long way in child-rearing. That said, I know of couples who are raising children with little to no family support. What that means is that the couples must make more sacrifices for the family than other couples who enjoy the support of extended family. However, the Christian life is about sacrifice for a greater good. Just as Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for the good of others, as Christians we are called to take up our cross and sacrifice for the good of others. The opportunity to practise self-sacrificial love is an opportunity to grow in Christlikeness.
When I was considering a few years ago whether to try conceiving, I asked myself what my reasons for not having children were. All of them were “me-centred”, revolving around my lifestyle and my physical appearance. And because these were inconsistent with God’s call for his disciples to be selfless, I decided to surrender my own desires to God and start trying for children. The biblical picture of marriage is that it is for the purpose of procreation (Genesis 1:28) and the wonderful thing about procreation is that we get to partner God in the work of creating life. Nowhere else do you get the chance to do something like this. Furthermore, I believe children are blessings (Psalm 127:3-5), even if the narrative today is that children are burdens, or that it is unfair to bring children into this messy world. The world is dark, but I believe God will protect his people, and God will use his people—including children —to bring light into the world.
God’s calling for us as Christians will always be daunting. Whether it is to serve God in our homes and workplaces, witnessing to our family and friends, or growing in Christlikeness, all these are daunting because God’s plans are bigger than our plans. God’s plans are meant to be achieved with God, and not on our own strength, so that God gets the glory. So it is normal to feel daunted by the idea of raising godly children. But it is also good that you feel daunted, because it means you know you need God’s help to parent. In fact, that is God’s design for parenting, that you “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5 NIV). It is as we obey God’s call and turn to him for the resources to do these impossible things that we will see God’s hand, and our faith will grow.
I’m glad that you are willing to wrestle with this issue. Work through your fears and concerns to ensure that you are not driven by these things to make ungodly choices and take your fears and concerns to the Lord in prayer. Speak to a few godly mothers who can provide helpful inputs along the way. If you haven’t already, speak to a gynaecologist and get a medical opinion on the chances of having children with medical conditions. To expect that our offspring will not have any risk of hereditary medical conditions is unrealistic, but we must also consider the severity of the medical condition. Have an ongoing conversation with your husband about your fears and concerns and share where you are on that journey of considering what is the godly thing to do. Encourage him to examine his views of parenthood and child-rearing too, and pray for him that he will choose obedience to God.
The most important thing for us as Christians is to respond to God faithfully in every situation. As you discern what faithfulness looks like, trust in God’s grace for you: he loves you even if you are struggling to have faith in him.
