I have been married for more than 30 years. I do not have a healthy relationship with my husband as he tends to be critical and even verbally abusive. I’ve wanted to divorce him many times over the years but didn’t because I know God does not want divorce and I stayed on because of the children. I bear with him because he came from a broken family and perhaps doesn’t know better. Now that my children are grown up and things have not changed, I am thinking that I should think about myself in my later years. In fact, my children have encouraged me to leave my husband because of how he treats me. I have suggested going for counselling but my husband is not open to that. Even when I tried to explain how I felt, he ends up blaming me. I feel that I cannot go on any longer in this marriage and don’t know what to do.
Benny says
Dear Exhausted,
We are all rational beings and make decisions in life based on things that mean something to us. Like you, many parents stay on with unfulfilling and even pain-filled marriages because they believe that this somehow may be good for their children. Others, like yourself, have values and beliefs that tell them to submit themselves to the greater will of their God and faith. And then there are others who tolerate the bad behaviour of their spouses because they think that these originate from a place of ignorance or a lack of personal volition. These are all sometimes seen as push or pull factors for change or for keeping the status quo.
What happens when some of these reasons shift in importance? This forces you to rethink why you should continue to remain married. What makes the current situation of unhappiness and sadness meaningful to you?
One of my clients who married late discovered within a few short years of marriage that her husband’s health was in a bad way after years of alcohol abuse. She was angry at his negligent behaviour and felt that she was left with the chore of looking after him and seeing most of her hard-earned savings disappear to pay for his medical bills. But as a believer and as a decent human being, she felt compelled to do so. She knew that it was not driven by love for him but by compassion towards an old colleague, a friend and to a fellow human being. Her compassion was not because of his merits, but because of who she is as a compassionate person.
So Ms Exhausted, you need to rethink if you have any good reason to still stay in this marriage because the old reasons are no longer valid. Perhaps, having very open and honest conversations about this will help. Drawing on who you are as a person will provide the answer. Lastly, do not neglect yourself. Care of self is important if we are to sustain ourselves in our care for our marriage and our family. Whilst it is wonderful if our spouses can care for us or if the care for each other is mutual, you have a duty to care for yourself too.
