I have been married for more than ten years and have a child about 5 years old. For many years, I have tolerated my husband’s anti-social behaviour and fixed ways. In the past, we visited a few churches, eventually settled down for a few years in a church and even served together in ministry. However, one day I found that I just couldn’t tolerate it anymore and decided not to entertain his ways. He has since tried to mend things but my heart has gone cold. I continue to care for my son, but our relationship has soured. Divorce is not an option, but we live separate lives and are not regular in church anymore. I’m not sure if I am open to counselling either. I’m stuck … what should I do? Work has become a good distraction.
Benny says
Dear Gone cold,
You sound like you are in a dilemma, being unhappy in your marriage and unable and/or unwilling to do anything to change your circumstances. I say unwilling as you mentioned that your heart has gone cold to your husband even though he is finally trying to mend his ways.
Firstly, don’t be too hard on yourself. Others may badger you to do something about the marriage, overlooking the fact that you probably did try over these ten years. And though you are not being swayed by your husband’s recent attempts, you are still doing your best, in the form of caring for your son and keeping your marital vows by not seeking a divorce. Feelings cannot be switched on and off at will.
Secondly, do look after yourself as I suspect this is something you have neglected. When love and care from a spouse is not forthcoming, self-care should not be overlooked.
Thirdly, there is a possibility that real change may finally be attempted by your husband. I know that it is years late. But if there is a stirring of change, should we not see what it might lead to? Even if it leads to only a slight improvement of the relationship, would it not be better than the existing hurtful situation that you are in now?
Positive change can come in fits and starts. Sometimes, it happens in grand overwhelming sweeps. Sometimes it appears very mechanically and not voluntary and natural. Often, it is not consistent, with good days and bad days. Whatever form it takes, its intention is more important than its presentation. This is because spouses, even after being together for many years, may not always do the correct thing. For example, if your spouse wants to do something special for your birthday and comes bearing wilting flowers or a burnt dish, look more at their intent as some husbands may have had little experience with expressing love and affection.
Finally, even if you do not feel warmly towards your spouse, you do not have to respond with hostility. Being hostile has a way of hurting you as well as others. I know that you have some misgivings about going for counselling, but do consider it as a safe way to guide both of you through the hurt and the pain.
