Last year, a course mate who is at least 20 years older than myself talked about his masturbation and porn obsession in video calls and text messages to me. He even told me to masturbate, which made me even more uncomfortable. My family won’t allow me to report him to student services due to fear of retaliation and because I didn’t tell him to stop. Although he’s not doing it to me right now, I still feel unsafe whenever I see him around at campus. The only reason why I didn’t tell him to stop back then is because I fawned (an involuntary mental response to a threat according to neuroscientists). How can I feel safe at campus again while putting up with my family’s victim-blaming?
Joey says
Dear Feeling unsafe,
I am so sorry to read about what you went through. What your course mate did—sharing explicit details about his masturbation and porn use, and even encouraging you to masturbate—is a clear form of sexual harassment. It has understandably left you feeling unsafe when you see him on campus. What you are feeling is normal.
Perhaps you wonder if you should have acted differently or if you had done something wrong. You did not do anything wrong. What was wrong was what he did: he initiated conversations that were inappropriate. From what you shared, it sounds like fear led you to instinctively fawn. That’s not a mistake: that’s a survival response.
This incident has affected you deeply, and the healing that you need is beyond what a column like this can provide. It is important that you speak to a professional counsellor who has experience helping people who have experienced sexual harassment. Processing through what happened, understanding the fawn response and learning to build and assert healthy boundaries with the help of a counsellor can help you regain a greater sense of safety.
Your family’s fear of retaliation, their concern that you didn’t tell him to stop, and their choice not to let you report this to the school have left you feeling unsupported and deepened your pain. They may not have known how to respond and exploring the impact of their reaction with a counsellor could be helpful. Reporting to the school is ultimately your decision, but it’s understandable if doing so feels difficult without your family’s support. A counsellor can help you consider your options and decide what feels safest for you. In the meantime, it may also help to have support while navigating this: is there a trusted female church leader you can reach out to? Are there friends you can surround yourself with while on campus? You may wish to tell your friends that you are uncomfortable with your course mate and ask them to help ensure that you are not near or alone with him.
As you take these steps towards healing, remember that you are not alone: God is with you in your distress. God met Hagar in her distress in Genesis 16 (when she was pregnant and fleeing Sarah) and Genesis 21 (when she was sent away with her young son). God comforted and strengthened Elijah who was terrified (1 Kings 19). Jesus, who suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, knows suffering, and knows how to bring healing. He will restore your sense of safety and, through even this incident, work for your good (Romans 8:28).
