My cousin, a Christian, is single and lives overseas. She visits Singapore once every few years. This year, she wanted to go on a trip together to celebrate her birthday. I thought it would be an opportunity to spend time with her and to help her celebrate her birthday as she is alone. We generally get along, and she has always been friendly and caring. However, after spending just two days with her, I realised it is a test of my patience. My cousin would wake up late, so mornings were wasted as we could only start breakfast at 10 a.m.. I tried to negotiate with her but she was adamant about her timing. While we were shopping, she would wander off and take her time while I waited for her. In the end, I gave up waiting and often just returned to the hotel on my own. She never offered to pay for any of the meals or transport and seemed to take these for granted. As a caring Christian, should I point out these inconsiderate habits of hers for her own good, or should I just take it that God wanted me to learn patience and forbearance? It seems that she was told before about her habits but never changed.
Sue-Lynn says
Dear Unfair,
When travelling for the first time with someone, it is common to encounter different habits that test our patience or reveal behaviours that upset us. You can gently tell her that you care about her and wish to share some observations. Avoid accusatory words or pointing out character flaws; instead, explain how her behaviours affect you and make you feel. Pray for God’s guidance to speak the truth in love.
For example, you might say, “I’m happy to treat you to some meals. At the same time, I’d appreciate it if you offer to pay for some as well—a give-and-take sort of thing,” or “When you wake up late or take your time shopping, it feels like you expect me to wait without considering my time. This makes me a little upset. I hope we can find a way forward together.”
Hopefully, your cousin responds positively to your sincere tone and gradually becomes more considerate. This will take time, and your patience and forbearance may be strengthened through it. Consider giving her another opportunity to travel with you.
It is also possible she may ignore your well-meaning feedback. Changing one’s habits to suit another is not easy, especially for someone who has lived alone and is used to an “own time, own target” lifestyle. She may feel the issue arises simply because you have different travelling styles—hers being casual and laid-back, yours more structured. That is okay as we are all wired differently.
In any case, continue to keep in touch and show her love and concern. If she believes her behaviours are fine, pray for the Holy Spirit to guide her heart to change, consider others’ needs, and grow in thoughtfulness.
