I know it’s bad to show favouritism between children. However, in achievement-oriented Singapore, it is easy to praise one for their hard work and success at achieving a good score or getting an award. How do I ensure that my child who doesn’t get these results doesn’t feel jealous or lousy about his sibling being seemingly more successful?
Sue-Lynn says
Dear No Favourites,
As Christian parents, we find ourselves caught in this tension of wanting the best for our children in achievement-orientated Singapore yet also knowing that as Christian parents, our duty is to bring them up in the ways, discipline and instruction of the Lord (Proverbs 22:6, Ephesians 6:4).
Process-orientated praise—praise that recognises your child’s hard work, effort, actions or specific character traits—is more effective than praise that focuses on outcomes or a results. Parents who use process praise help their children adopt a “Growth Mindset”, where children believe their basic abilities like intelligence or talent can be developed through dedication, hard work and effort. This contrasts with a “Fixed Mindset” where children believe intelligence or talent are fixed.
Be more intentional about noticing and praising both your children this way. Describe specifically what you noticed and link it to a character trait—for example, “You studied hard and gave it your best. Let’s commit the results to God” or “I see you developing perseverance—that’s such an important character trait.” You can also highlight specific fruits of the Spirit, for example, “You patiently taught your brother/sister how to work through that tricky Math problem sum. That was very kind of you.” When both children are recognised and acknowledged for their dedication, hard work and effort, this would also boost their confidence.
It’s not possible to protect your child from feeling jealous or lousy as there are influences beyond your control (especially in school). Self-comparison is normal developmental part of childhood; they navigate and seek to find competence, often relative to their peers/siblings, in their skills and what they achieve. It helps to explore your other child’s interests and passions, perhaps ones beyond school and CCAs, to find his/her unique talents and strengths. You can also have conversations about how while achieving good grades/awards can be done for the glory of God (Colossians 3:23-24) but doesn’t define our self-worth (Ephesians 2: 8 to 10). Beyond academics, other domains are important too for example biblical values and character, socio-emotional competencies and other 21st century competencies like critical, adaptive thinking and communication and collaboration skills.
