Shame is a strong emotion that often shows up in my counselling sessions. Its presence can be debilitating; its absence can also be problematic. To explore healing from shame, I will share examples where shame was largely absent, was partially felt and where it can be overwhelming.
The first instance was when a couple sought counselling because the wife was upset with her husband’s close relationships with other women. There were three he frequently wined and dined with over a number of years. It seemed that he also took these women into his confidence, sharing with them his unhappiness with his marriage. By his account, these occasions were all in group settings. Not only did he never include his wife, he hid these interactions from her.
During counselling, the husband was particularly upset with his wife’s naming his behaviour as adultery. He vehemently objected to this term, stating that he had never gone to bed with any of the women. His strong reaction also stemmed from his deep regret over his previous divorce and concern that allegations of wrongdoing could lead to another divorce. Unfortunately, his stubborn insistence of innocence left the wife feeling not only insecure but angry.
Some resolution was reached when he finally acknowledged that flirting with his women friends was wrong even though he did not think it amounted to infidelity. This is an example of how shame, which was initially absent, can follow after recognition of guilt.
The second instance, which unfortunately happens quite frequently, is one where shame and guilt seem only partially acknowledged. It often takes the form of a rather oblique apology for a wrong action, such as “It was an indiscretion,” or half an apology like “You can’t blame me—you were cold and kept rejecting me.”
Taking responsibility for one’s actions is an important starting point for repairing a broken relationship. Along with this unequivocal position often comes shame—the self-loathing that I have caused hurt to others, that I have failed others and even myself. But what is the usefulness of bearing the heavy burden of shame? Just wearing this emotion like an albatross around your neck does no one any good. The good that can come from shame is when it drives us towards acts of restitution. It is as if such action, which by no means erases the past wrongs, helps the guilty party regain self-worth from trying to do good.
Just wearing this emotion like an albatross around your neck does no one any good.
But what about some consideration for factors that may have contributed to the wrongdoing, such as hurtful behaviour of the other? The presence of such factors does not excuse the wrong but could perhaps be reasons for the wronged party to extend forgiveness.
The third instance is where the shame is overwhelming and may cause the perpetrator to withdraw or take steps that are self-destructive. As believers and sinners who have experienced the ultimate forgiveness, we hold the belief and hope that no one or no action deserves to carry the shame of our wrongdoing indefinitely or forever. If we make our contrite confession before God and man (i.e. whoever we have hurt) and make some form of restitution, even if the person we have hurt does not want to forgive us, we initiate the steps needed for moving on. We can take steps to start anew even though the memory of the wrongdoing remains.
As believers and sinners who have experienced the ultimate forgiveness, we hold the belief and hope that no one or no action deserves to carry the shame of our wrongdoing indefinitely or forever.
Let me end by saying that shame can sometimes be misplaced. For example, when divorced individuals leave the church they were attending, I wonder if they are victims of misplaced shame. Some may leave because they want to avoid difficult questions, but others may somehow feel blamed for causing their marriage to fail. I think of a client who is expecting her husband of three years to serve her divorce papers so that he can be free to pursue another woman. Although there is no hint of failure on her part, I can see how awkward and embarrassed she feels. If you know of individuals in such a situation who are victims of hurt caused by others, do offer your support. If you know of anyone who is experiencing the crushing weight of shame, help them find the One who can bear and carry their shame.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 20 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.
