The Maintenance of Parents Bill, a law passed in 1995, allows elderly parents unable to support themselves to apply to the Courts to make their adult children provide financially for them. Some may wonder if this is an instance of a secular law being put in place to compel children to fulfil God’s commandment to “Honour your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12). I think not. Honour has to be given willingly. Any care and support that a court orders can hardly be considered a way of honouring one’s parents.
The Ten Commandments are meant to guide our relationship with God and with others. The fifth commandment—to honour our parents—is the first of those dealing with interpersonal relationships. It has to be taken seriously. But what if the person who is supposed to be honoured did not behave honourably? If parents did not fulfil their duty of care for their children when young, why should adult children be expected to reciprocate in later years?
As a family and marital therapist, I get to see both sides. Elderly or frail parents neglected or abandoned by their children, as if they have passed their “use by” date. On the other side are adult children who are enraged when a parent turns up to demand support years after abandoning and maybe even abusing them when they were helpless children. Their anger may turn into a sense of injustice when these same parents wield the power of the court to enforce a minimum level of financial maintenance.
Take for example a recent case involving an elderly man who took his son to court under the Maintenance of Parents Bill. The father had left his wife and did not provide for her and their son afterwards. He looked up his son only when he had no other means of support. Considering circumstances such as this, the law was amended two years ago to release adult children from their obligations when the parent was abusive or negligent in their discharge of parental duty.
Should this principle apply also to believers? In cases of abuse or neglect, are we absolved from the fifth commandment? Where is the justice in this commandment?
As a non-theologian, let me offer a comment. Rather than focusing on justice, look at it from the perspective of right living and personal well-being. If we live according to how we think we have been treated, victims may be encouraged to take matters into their own hands and more violence may ensue.
As a non-theologian, let me offer a comment. Rather than focusing on justice, look at it from the perspective of right living and personal well-being. If we live according to how we think we have been treated, victims may be encouraged to take matters into their own hands and more violence may ensue. My experience as a therapist also shows me that those who respond in kind to their abusers seldom find peace in their vengeance.
So how are we to honour our parents? At the very least, it calls for providing within our means for their daily needs and not supporting self-destructive habits like gambling or drinking. Honour may also include looking into any special needs they may have, e.g. for medical attention or for social interaction, perhaps through a nearby Senior Activity Centre. Going beyond physical needs, honouring them means keeping in regular contact. All this helps them feel they still have a place in our lives.
For those of us with children, honour also involves building connections between them and their grandparents. Our parents brought us into the world and without them, there would not be any grandchildren. Our actions model what honouring looks like and we hope that in due time, our children will in turn honour us.
Finally, honouring parents involves showing gratitude for what they have done, even
if they were not perfect in caring for us. Parenting is never easy and judging our parents is counter-productive. Perhaps they faced much more challenging circumstances than we ourselves do. We need to acknowledge that parenting and honouring are tasks which are essential to our very being as family. This may be why the command to honour our parents is the only one in the Ten Commandments that comes with a promise—that [our] days on earth may be long.
While God commands us to honour father and mother, it does not mean continuing to suffer at the hands of an abusive or violent parent. If you need help to stop such hurtful behaviour, speak with a counsellor or call the National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline at 1800 777 0000.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 20 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.
