At a recent Christian camp for university students at my alma mater, I led two workshops on the topic of Honouring Parents. Campers were given a wide choice of workshops and I was more than curious why some opted for my workshop when there were other (perhaps more) interesting topics like Governance and Faith, Dialogue in Diversity, and Exploring the Creation Narratives.
I began my workshops by asking the students to list the questions that may have prompted them to sign up. The questions and ensuing discussions were stimulating and I am eager to share some of them here.
A good number of questions centred around the conflict experienced in having to honour their parents despite disagreements about what they were asked or expected to do. The issues raised included choosing a course of study or the faith to embrace. Since the choices made would shape their future lives, these were not mere minor preferences. Parents who are used to charting their children’s lives for so many years may be unused to considering their children’s preferences. Understandably, this can be a delicate situation and the fact that honouring parents is a command by God himself adds to the complexity.
Many of the students struggled with this commandment as they equated it with listening and obeying, where listening is understood as being respectful and giving due regard to their parents’ opinions. However, listening does not necessarily mean accommodating the other’s wishes. Nor does honour necessarily mean obedience.
Many of the students struggled with this commandment as they equated it with listening and obeying, where listening is understood as being respectful and giving due regard to their parents’ opinions.
When the parents are inflexible and their expectations do not create moral or ethical conflict, I shared my view that obedience to parental wishes may be a way to preserve harmony. In presenting this position, I observed no strong push back from the students.
Some students took the matter further in asking: What if the parents behaved dishonourably? Are we still expected to honour them? When asked what might constitute “dishonourable behaviour”, they gave examples such as being divorced, living in sin or relating to their offspring in ways that provoke anger (which Ephesians 6:4 cites as undesirable parental behaviour).
I believe the commandment to honour parents is neither conditional nor time limited. It does not say give honour only to parents who deserve it. Neither does it say honour your parents until you become a parent yourself. We are to honour them even when they may not recognise or appreciate it. Again, the students did not raise any strong objections to this perspective. I hasten to add here that this position might not be held by all young people in their early twenties.
Deserving mention here is a specific question from the students: “Where do we draw the line?” Honouring parents should not mean allowing them leeway to humiliate, demean or even physically harm their children. Setting limits and taking a stand can be difficult, especially when these destructive behaviours have become entrenched, and may require the support and assistance of another adult.
Where do we draw the line?” Honouring parents should not mean allowing them leeway to humiliate, demean or even physically harm their children. Setting limits and taking a stand can be difficult, especially when these destructive behaviours have become entrenched, and may require the support and assistance of another adult.
There were a few questions about how they could improve relationships with their parents and even the relationship between their parents. Such questions suggested to me that these were sensitive individuals—instead of being self-absorbed in their own considerable stresses of studies and peer relationships, they also cared about what was happening in their homes and their families’ well-being.
Finally, more than one camper shared that “parents are only human”, that they too make mistakes and are trying their best. They acknowledged that their parents grew up in an era when honour and respect was expected without question. For most of the older generation, parenting was harsh and there was less dialogue or negotiation.
Hearing these young adults’ concerns and thoughts gave me much pleasure. It reassured me that one important thread in the fabric of society—the family—appears to remain intact. Of course this cannot be taken for granted. It has to be sustained by both parents and children doing their part in exercising patience and love as well as communicating openly with each other.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 20 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church. / Illustration by Minnow’s Mum
