The 1967 James Bond movie starring Sean Connery had the improbable title, “You Only Live Twice”. The contrast with the present-day concept of YOLO, or “You Only Live Once” suggests a generational change in how many individuals approach life and family today.
Some may equate YOLO with the older phrase “Carpe diem!” or seize the moment. It recognises that life is short and we should make the most of it. This may mean not delaying gratification because we might not have a chance to do what we want later, be it taking a spontaneous holiday or embarking on a casual romantic relationship with someone who catches our fancy.
The rationale behind the YOLO approach to life and relationships comes from the awareness of the uncertainty of life. Despite scientific advances and medical breakthroughs, no-one knows how long we will live. We hear of young people, with seemingly healthy lifestyles, being struck suddenly by serious illnesses. On the relationship front, apparently strong marriages falter at an alarming rate. What we depend upon, e.g. the sanctity of marriage, trust in the government and hope in science and technolo Actions gy, all have their limitations. It would seem that what we are left to rely on are ourselves and the present moment.
The YOLO philosophy was raised by a colleague as she mulled over conversations with some friends in their thirties. Somewhat despondent, my colleague sought my views. I agreed that life is indeed uncertain and our time on earth limited, so YOLO serves as an important reminder. However, rather than living life to the fullest for ourselves only, we should instead live to the fullest for others while we can. This could involve not putting off sharing our faith with someone we care about or not delaying helping a friend in need.
The same personal awareness—life’s brevity and uncertainty—can lead to different responses. For believers, life on earth is finite; beyond this temporal existence is eternal life. Actions taken in this short life have long term consequences as we will have to give an account for our time on earth, for how we use our talents, resources and opportunities. While YOLO may be relevant, it should be accompanied by YAFE, or “You Account for Eternity”.
Actions taken in this short life have long term consequences as we will have to give an account for our time on earth, for how we use our talents, resources and opportunities.
Around the same time as my conversation with my colleague, a couple in their sixties came to see me. Having worked hard for 40 years, they well deserved to enjoy their retirement. Instead, they were laden with caring for elderly parents and an adult child with developmental challenges. Few relatives were willing or able to help, and they carried these burdens with little appreciation shown for all they did.
What drove this couple to soldier on, month after month and year after year? Did they wish for their burdens to be shared? For sure. They were not sacrificial martyr types. Neither were they persevering out of guilt. They were mature, intelligent folks driven by a sense of duty and responsibility.
These values are antithetical to the YOLO philosophy. “Duty” and “responsibility” remind us to put others’ interests and needs before our own. Fulfilling one’s duty and obligations is not without its own rewards.
I asked the couple what these might be for them. The husband shared he derived satisfaction from being able, as the oldest son, to provide care and support for his clan. With his parents already in their late eighties, he also saw that the opportunity to care for them would not be for too much longer. His wife could not see any gain for herself, so I suggested that as it was in her nature and upbringing to do what she had to do for others, she ask God to help her experience joy in carrying her burdens. When I emphasised focusing on joy as opposed to happiness, her husband asked about the difference between the two. She cut in to say that joy is experienced at a much deeper level, giving me a sense that she was able to look beyond her burdens.
This couple’s experience reflects the reality that families have a complex web of expectations, obligations, duty and responsibilities. This web defines the family and sets it apart from other social groups. Each member of every family has to determine how much precedence personal needs, encapsulated by YOLO, should take over those of other family members.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 20 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.
