I recently found out that my Christian friend’s marriage has been on the rocks. His wife is abusive, both physically and verbally, and my friend has decided he’s had enough and wants a divorce. What should I do and how can I support my buddy?
Benny says
Dear Concerned Friend,
It is a good thing that your friend can share this with someone like yourself. Being abused by one’s spouse can not only be hurtful but also embarrassing. Such embarrassment and shame can cause many to suffer needlessly in silence. He has done the right thing by recognising that what he is experiencing is wrong and that he wants help.
Secondly, your friend’s desire to want to end his suffering is understandable and for now, he may think that a divorce is the only way to achieve this. I have not met anyone in my forty-plus years of counselling who seeks a divorce for no good reason. But at this point, he may not have exhausted all reasonable options. Here are some things you might want to do to help him.
Begin first by praying for him, yourself and the situation he is in. Pray for wisdom to know how to care and support him. Pray that there is a cessation of escalation of conflicts in his marriage. Pray, too, for safety for all parties. If there are children in the family, even if they are not directly hurt but have witnessed such conflicts, this, too, is not good for them. They can be traumatised by what they hear and see.
If there is danger that the violence continues or increases, your friend might consider moving out temporarily and calling the police. Stopping any new recurrence of violence reduces the danger of any risk of life. I do not want to sound alarmist, but when tempers are high, people may react irrationally. It is important to keep all parties safe; only then can we consider other options.
Advise your friend to seek a Christian lawyer who can advise him of his legal rights for protection under the laws of Singapore. A good lawyer will list down the options and advise him to not make any quick decisions.
Finally, encourage him to seek the counsel of a counsellor trained in handing cases of domestic violence. He may begin to speak with the counsellor first on an individual basis before exploring if couple counselling can be a later step.
