Elliot* remembers the day his world shattered – when his wife of 12 years called in November 2022 asking for a divorce. “Two days later, she packed her things and left for her hometown, walking out on me and my son,” he shared.
Their marriage, which began as a long-distance relationship, struggled from the start with misunderstandings and emotional disconnect. “My ex-wife had frequent meltdowns and would lash out with hurtful words. Triggered, I’d shut down and go for days or even weeks without talking to her. I even used my son to pass messages,” Elliot admitted, acknowledging his role in the marriage’s breakdown.
“After my wife went through four miscarriages, I didn’t give her any emotional support, which she saw as cold violence. It was hard for me to show her care as she had been hostile and aggressive throughout our marriage, like smashing things around the house and hitting me.”
Finding support
Despite the turmoil, Elliot never wanted a divorce and agreed only after his wife threatened suicide. “The divorce was a big blow. Even now, I struggle with feelings of loss,” he said.
Whenever Elliot shared his struggles with friends and family, he was told to “move on”. “It’s not that I don’t want to,” he said. “But I’m still dealing with the trauma of my wife leaving me.”
A month after finalising his divorce in October 2023, the 53-year-old found support among other divorced dads in the Divorce Support Group started by FAM@FSC (Strengthening Families Programme@Family Service Centre) and led by Methodist Welfare Services (MWS).
“Divorce brings a lot of legal and emotional stress, which many do not understand,” Elliot said. “In the group, I feel accepted. The counsellor encouraged us to share our struggles, making me realise I wasn’t alone or wrong for feeling weak. We exchanged coping tips, encouraged one another, and learnt from each other’s experiences—it felt great to see my sharing helped others.”
Anny Rodjito, an MWS counsellor who led the support group, shared, “All the participants came in feeling inadequate for struggling with adjusting to life after divorce. Sharing their experiences helped normalise those feelings, reduce isolation, and create a sense of community and support.”
A post-groupwork self-assessment revealed that participants improved in 11 of 16 dimensions, especially in emotional well-being, with all feeling better prepared to support others.
Fighting stigma: It’s okay for men to not be okay
Support services like the Divorce Support Group are crucial for men, yet many hesitate to seek help when facing challenges due to traditional masculine norms valuing self-reliance, emotional restraint, and toughness. Indeed, across the three Family Service Centres run by MWS, the proportion of men enquiring and seeking help is consistently only about 35% of all enquiries received, compared to enquiries from women. Such expectations discourage vulnerability or help-seeking, which can lead to emotional isolation, suppressed feelings, and unhealthy coping behaviours. Research has linked such ideals to poorer mental health and higher suicidal ideation.
“All of us in the support group faced the stigma of divorce,” Elliot said. “As men, we’re expected to be strong and act like we’re fine. When I open up to friends about my feelings regarding the divorce, they’d say things like, ‘Get over it, you’re a guy.’ There’s this constant expectation for us to hold it together, but I’m not okay—I’m losing confidence in myself. I thought I could make good decisions, yet my marriage fell apart.”
As men, we’re expected to be strong and act like we’re fine. When I open up to friends about my feelings regarding the divorce, they’d say things like, ‘Get over it, you’re a guy.’ There’s this constant expectation for us to hold it together, but I’m not okay—I’m losing confidence in myself. I thought I could make good decisions, yet my marriage fell apart.
Finding strength in vulnerability
Through the support group, Elliot learnt to express his emotions instead of bottling them up. “I’m working on being more open and vulnerable,” he said, reflecting on the changes he’s making after realising how his emotional unavailability contributed to his marriage’s breakdown.
Besides improving his mental health, Elliot’s openness has deepened his bond with his seven-year-old son. “We understand each other better and feel more connected now,” he shared.
Post-support group, Anny continues to work with Elliot through individual counselling to improve communication with his son and ex-wife, and to better manage his emotional triggers. She also guides him to process grief, build resilience, and navigate the challenges of single parenthood.
Finding faith
Amid the pain of his marital breakdown, Elliot also found acceptance and support in another place—the church. His post-divorce journey became one of rediscovering his Christian faith.
“I was stressed out each time I received a letter from the divorce lawyer, it felt like a death warrant,” he said. “The only thing I could think of was to go back to church for emotional support. I had been a non-practising Christian prior to that. I found comfort in the community’s prayers, advice and encouragement.”
Elliot said that his faith has grown stronger though this journey. “I’ve learnt to rely on God and trust in his plan for my life. For example, when handling the legal matters of my divorce, I prayed for wisdom. It’s been a time of deepening my faith and finding strength in him.”
*Not his real name
MWS FAM@FSC provides family and marital counselling, as well as divorce support for couples navigating separation and family transitions. To learn more, visit www.mws.sg. If you would like to support our work with a financial contribution, please visit mws.sg/give.
By the Methodist Welfare Services Communications Team / Photo courtesy of Methodist Welfare Services