I am married and I realise that my sex drive is considerably higher than my wife’s. It is not that she doesn’t want sex but that she only feels comfortable to do so within specific windows of time, which makes the occurrence less often than I hope. Is it sinful or spiritually unhelpful to masturbate, if I think only of my wife when doing it and if I only do so infrequently? I am struggling because while the Bible seems silent on masturbation, the Apostle Paul says we ought not be controlled by anything. Perhaps resisting up to the point of being unable (whatever the discomfort) is still helpful from the standpoint of training to discipline the body?
Joey says
Dear Jacob,
I want to affirm your desire to be faithful to your wife and to God, even as you struggle with managing your sexuality. It is a difficult struggle, and it may be a long struggle, but it is an important fight worth fighting. I believe that if you persevere, you will overcome.
We must begin with asking the foundational question: what is God’s design for sex? It is meant to bring a husband and wife into a profound emotional, spiritual, and physical union. In the act of sex, one gives oneself fully to one’s spouse, reflecting God’s self-giving love. Every time a husband and wife has sex, they are affirming their marriage vows. It is also the means through which God gives us the blessing of children.
The problem with masturbation is that it fulfils none of that, and it does not help us to appreciate the full beauty of our God-given sexuality. There’s no emotional, spiritual, or physical union. There’s no affirmation of the marriage vows. There’s no mutual self-giving; in fact, it is the very opposite because masturbation is about personal sexual pleasure. And masturbating to thoughts of your wife, while definitely better than masturbating to thoughts or images of other people, is still problematic because it makes her an object to be used for your own pleasure. In short, masturbation reduces the sacred act of sex to less than what God intended it to be. For all these reasons, I believe that Christians should not engage in masturbation.
What can you do in the face of this struggle? First, let God’s beautiful and sacred purpose for human sexuality elevate your view of sex. Seek to fall deeper in love with God and let him guide you out of this struggle. Turn to God for the grace to express your sexuality in ways that are holy. Second, this is something that you need to work out together as one flesh. You and your wife may wish to speak with a Christian marriage counsellor to see if there are underlying issues that need to be resolved (individually or as a couple), and get some handles on how to negotiate this issue together. Trying to solve this alone is not an expression of marital oneness. Instead, try to see this as an opportunity for you both to lean in, to practise love in the trenches of real-life problems, and to really be there for one another. Third, look for a group of godly men whom you can be accountable to, and who will keep you accountable to holy living. Your struggles will be made easier when there are other faithful brothers upholding you in prayer and sharing your burdens. And remember this: God is not only pleased when we overcome; God is pleased when we struggle towards holiness, towards the best that he has in store for us.
