Metaphors can be a powerful communication tool in counselling. One I recently shared with a couple “stuck” in their marital distress is an image of a couple standing together at the edge of a cliff. They are at this precarious place where one step forward or a slip of their feet may mean plunging over the brink. To make things worse, gusty winds around them make it hard to maintain their footing.
Each of them may wait and hope that the other will suggest stepping back. If one would propose it, the other would step backwards too. But neither wants to make the first move. It is as if doing so would be to admit surrender and defeat. So, they stubbornly remain in a shaky standstill at the precipice.
If the metaphor’s relevance is unclear, I share that stepping off the cliff edge represents ending their marriage while staying frozen there reflects their current impasse. Neither party wants to end the marriage nor are they willing to be the first to offer any concessions. The gusty winds represent the tumult swirling around them, where a careless word or a thoughtless act can easily disrupt their position. Although both partners want a de-escalation of their conflict, neither moves, perhaps because of distrust of the other, pride or fear of showing weakness.
To couples in such a situation, I would suggest they step back in order to make some progress. Rather than seeing stepping back as surrender or defeat, I suggest taking the perspective that it shows a desire to work towards a constructive resolution to their conflict. It may be that despite their pain and frustration, there are some things of value worth salvaging, which could include their children, home or past sacrifices.
Should the couple show openness to considering stepping back from the brink, I ask if there is one thing they are willing to do in good faith and of their own accord to help rebuild their marriage. This one thing may be a practical action, like walking the dog after dinner, or a broader offer, like being more willing to listen. The size and nature of the offer is less important than the indication of their willingness to do something positive. A baby step may then be followed by more, setting off a process of positive reciprocity. Couples are encouraged to take the initiative and reciprocate instead of waiting till their spouse has taken enough positive steps. It is hoped that this tide of positive action will help reverse the couple’s negative state. John Gottman, a well-known couples therapist, calls this approach one of getting the conflictual couple to “turn towards” instead of away from each other.
Some might ask, is this just wishful thinking? After all, these couples were on the verge of calling it quits. I am not suggesting that when one is nice to the other, all problems evaporate. Rather, a cessation of conflict and the breath of hope brought by stepping back from the brink opens the possibility of change. They may then choose to work on their underlying issues step by step, whether on their own or with the help of a neutral third party. Along the way, each small victory should be celebrated.
If breaking an impasse can be so straightforward, what stops couples from trying it?
Where there is no forgiveness or grieving over the losses caused by the conflict, there can be no healing of the relationship.
Three emotions may get in the way of moving forward—despondency, anger and pride. Hopelessness and helplessness may arise when one’s repeated attempts to set things right end in failure. Anger may result from being hurt by the other and wanting to extract the “pound of flesh” that they feel is owed to them before they are willing to forgive. Where there is no forgiveness or grieving over the losses caused by the conflict, there can be no healing of the relationship. Ironically, healing is in the hands of the aggrieved and not so much in those of the one who caused the pain.
Finally, pride often leads to unwillingness to admit responsibility for hurts inflicted on the other. We cannot take back our cruel words and actions, but we can express regret and remorse without offering excuses or justification. Admitting fault in this way is to submit ourselves to the other’s mercy. It is in this spirit of mutual vulnerability that the relationship can be reset, and progress made.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 19 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.