A woman in her late twenties sought counselling for her relationship with her boyfriend. In their nine years together, they were twice on the verge of breaking up. On both occasions, she initiated it because of his addiction to pornography. The woman was torn between her unhappiness over his habit* and her feelings for him. These feelings were kept going by his promises to kick the habit and his threat to harm himself if she left him.
Her question was whether she should remain in the relationship and if not, how to break up. Breaking up is seldom easy, regardless of who initiates it. It gets more and more difficult in a long-term relationship. And what if ending a relationship may trigger a strong reaction? Should one be forced to stay only to avoid such a response?
Here are some pointers for those considering breaking free before things get so bad that they may suffer a breakdown.
Firstly, relationships of this nature should never be under coercion; they should be based on mutual choice. Partners must know what they are getting out of it and what is asked of them. As a rule, friendships grow when there is a positive exchange between individuals. What they put into the relationship—be it sacrificing time to be together or sharing personal vulnerabilities— is compensated by what they gain from it. One-sided relationships seldom last or grow.
In rare instances, the partner who gives and gives may feel compelled to do so. In the foregoing case, the girlfriend initially felt she had to help her boyfriend overcome his addiction. She not only encouraged him in his abstinence efforts. To prevent his being tempted to turn elsewhere, she consented to premarital sex despite being initially opposed to it. Her being unable to leave the relationship for fear of his harming himself was another form of coercion.
If indeed there is concern of an adverse reaction, the ones initiating the breakup should not spring it on their partners. Thought should be given to how to deliver such a devastating message in a safe manner. This may involve pointing the way to resources for the disappointed party to draw upon, e.g. consulting a counsellor to work through any difficulties or render support.
Secondly, clear and open communication is always helpful. Couples should talk about their hopes and dreams. After getting to know each other and finding that he/she might make a good life partner, there should be some talk about plans for the future. If for some reason, your partner’s plans do not coincide with yours, it is perhaps time to invest in another relationship.
I am not suggesting that one’s default response in the face of disagreement be to quit and leave. Relationships are rarely picture-perfect. If, however, there are concerns that might pose a reason for an indefinite delay in moving forward, e.g. a dominant and dependent parent is opposed to the partner, the couple would do well to try to work together through such a challenge. The couple should agree on the steps to be taken and a timeline for progress. If an impasse arises, the couple should carefully consider their options, e.g. getting outside help.
Thirdly, remember that it takes two parties to start and grow a relationship but only one to end it. The partner intending to leave is to communicate, not convince the other of, his/her reasons for doing so. The reasons may not sound compelling or even logical to the other, but they make sense to the initiator.
Fourthly, we may be so involved in a relationship that it may sometimes be difficult to view things objectively. So it may be helpful for couples to speak with others who know and care for them and ask their opinion and specific concerns about the relationship.
Lastly, I have been asked my opinion of the idea of a cooling-off period, i.e. when the couple stops seeing or communicating with each other, to allow them to think clearly about their next steps. This may be helpful especially when the couple feels “in a rut” about their issues and keep going around in circles. When couples are considering this, I usually ask them about the “terms and conditions” such a period might entail. How long would it last? Would they be allowed to pursue or develop relationships with others? Would they make efforts to work through their problems during this time and what indicators would they use to decide whether to carry on, e.g. if they pine for each other as confirmation to stay together?
When a couple is at a point when it is time to end a difficult relationship and start afresh, it is imperative to consider how to do so with understanding and compassion, honouring and respecting the good in the years together while being mindful of what lies ahead.
*Note: I used two ways to describe the use of pornography, i.e. “addiction” and “habit”. This reflects the differing views of the scientific and clinical community for this behaviour. Some see it as a compulsion which sufferers are unable to control. The behaviour is thus seen as an illness warranting treatment. The other view is that the behaviour is a learned or acquired maladaptive one. Sufferers can change when faced with the right incentives and disincentives.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 18 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.