When asked some months ago to conduct a workshop on relationships with in-laws, I was both intrigued and challenged. I was intrigued because I had only recently entered the phase of becoming and acquiring in-laws. I was challenged because although it is an important topic, as reflected in the number of clients who have come for counselling for in-law woes, not much research or material has been written about it.
So let me share some of the learning that came out of preparing for the workshop and interacting with the 60 or so persons who attended. The organisers and I had initially thought that only older parents and grandparents would be interested but we had a good number of younger adults, some of whom were not married yet but asked to attend.
My first realisation was that we often have little choice in our in-laws. Couples entering marriage choose each other, but the in-laws come as a package deal—get one and the whole clan comes along free!
Although we do not choose our in-laws, what is within our control is how we relate with them. The quality of the in-law relationship is important and goes beyond putting up a friendly front. Moreover, a good relationship with one’s in-laws does impact the married couple’s relationship. Therefore, it pays to have good relationships all around.
Although we do not choose our in-laws, what is within our control is how we relate with them.
One of two important lessons taught to most couples preparing for marriage is the principle of “leave and cleave”. Couples are reminded that marriage creates a new bond which should take precedence over past loyalties and priorities to one’s family. Parents need to be mindful of this too and allow their adult children to deepen the marital bond as well as to establish good relations with their parents-in-law. An application of this principle may be for the parents to let the couple decide when and how often they visit either side of the family.
I have found that this principle is not too difficult to observe in the early years of marriage. After all, it comes hot on the heels of the couple’s heady courtship period where parents often give them a wide berth. But the boundaries around the couple’s lives get quickly challenged after they have children. This is when grandparents, on both sides, may find the grandchildren simply too irresistible. Here again, the principle of “leave and cleave” should apply. Grandparents need to leave (give sufficient space), to allow the grandchildren to cleave to their parents.
For some families this may seem difficult, especially when grandparents may be mobilised to help with caregiving. Even when the grandparents spend the lion’s share of their grandchildren’s waking hours with them, they would do well to encourage the grandchildren to bond with their parents when they can.
Even when the grandparents spend the lion’s share of their grandchildren’s waking hours with them, they would do well to encourage the grandchildren to bond with their parents when they can.
The mobilisation of grandparents can also be awkward when one side of the in-laws seems to be preferred over the other. The allocation of caregiving duties should not be seen as a competition to see who is more sought after. Thus, in-laws should try not to feel hurt by not receiving calls for assistance. Neither should they put the parents on a guilt trip by implying that the grandchildren seem to “prefer the other Ah-kong or Ah-ma”.
The second important principle for couples is not to be unequally yoked. This principle is often discussed in the context of marrying someone outside of the same faith. It is hoped that with the same faith comes similar values, mindset, etc.
I like to extend the wisdom of this principle to the binding of two families through marriage. This is because marriage is not just about two persons but of two families with their different traditions, histories and backgrounds getting together. In- laws would do well to liken their coming together to a merger of two business entities for mutual benefit rather than a hostile take-over of one by the other.
Smoothening such unions can be delicate if the two families are unequally matched. For instance, one family may be perceived as socio-culturally superior by virtue of their higher financial or societal standing. Even if the family concerned does not want to be considered superior, there may be deference or giving way to them, awkwardness in interactions or tendency to seek and hear their opinions on issues.
Let me be clear—there is nothing wrong with possessing greater wealth or being in a privileged position. But like all blessings God bestows on us, let us be good stewards. The privileged ones should try their best to not flaunt their wealth or advantage. They could also allow for a more equal participation from both sets of in-laws, e.g. hearing others out before volunteering their views.
A final word on maintaining good relationships with in-laws is to approach it with a long-term view. Like some relationships, the beginning may be awkward; there may even be some faux pas committed. But with time and a good dose of patience and Christian love, there can be a greater meeting of minds and hearts.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 17 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.