You & Your Family

To err is human, to forgive divine

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Alexander Pope, a poet during the period of the Enlightenment, was said to be the originator of the statement, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” Though centuries old, it is still apt today. It is much easier to make mistakes than to forgive someone. I have been thinking about this in the case of a client who needs forgiveness and restoration—not only from the person he has hurt, but from others too.

The client worked in a parachurch organisation and had been sent together with his wife to start a project overseas. Due to upheavals at work, he and his wife returned home for what they thought would be a short break. During this time, his wife left him because of the emotional and physical abuse she had suffered for many years, and later sued for divorce. His employer came to know of this and recommended that he receive counselling and step down from his position within the organisation. It was communicated to the employees and supporters of the organisation that he was being “disciplined”. The disciplining was to be followed by a period of rehabilitation with the implication that he would be restored to his previous standing.

It has been almost a year now. He has continued with counselling and made some progress. Although he has tried to make restitution to his ex-wife, it was refused. Pleas to be given a second chance were to no avail. He also slowly, and might I say, hesitantly (but not reluctantly) contacted the community that he was working with overseas, still wishing to return. To his surprise, they were more than welcoming and ready to receive him again.

This now presented a dilemma: the people he served wanted him to continue with his role, but the organisation that originally appointed and sent him was silent and non-committal. Eventually, his renewed contact was made with the full knowledge and consent of the agency. However, he went, not as an employee, but as a volunteer.

To be clear, my interest on this matter is purely that of being his counsellor and with his rehabilitation. The process has involved him acknowledging and accepting responsibility for his actions: expressing remorse and examining the causes of his actions that are clearly not aligned with the values of his faith, making any restitution that is possible and permitted, and learning new ways of thinking and behaving.

All these steps have been undertaken and whilst one cannot say that his old behaviour will not recur, there comes a point of time when one needs to “draw a line across the sand”. One such line may be that he will never commit the same acts again. This determination is important as he may be returning to a position of influence and no one wants to see a misuse of it. However, no one can determine nor guarantee this.

Another “line across the sand” is when the punishment or sentence has been served by the offender. Most courts of law recognise that when a transgression has been committed, the offender must be punished. They determine the appropriate sentence and once it is completed, the offender is set free. To be held indefinitely or punished more than once for the same offence is seen as a miscarriage of justice. Thus, for my client not to know when the period of discipline will be over seems a little harsh. This wiping clean of the slate is also part of the process of him being able to start afresh.

I believe that in many instances, individuals and institutions do not wish to be harsh. Yet, they may not know how to grapple with several competing concerns such as the need to discipline, the need to prevent further occurrences and the need to rehabilitate. When the offence involves close relationships, then another need may present itself. It is the need to rebuild and restore. It comes from the fact that the offending behaviour has caused a rift in the relationships of those involved. It is a tear that needs to be mended.

How does one go about to repair such a tear? Although we are not told exactly how, the Apostle Paul helped to restore the relationship of Onesimus (a runaway slave who was a thief) with his former master by being Onesimus’ advocate.  He appealed that Onesimus be given another chance and gave a good account of this person  whom he had gotten to know when  they  were fellow prisoners. Paul even made good the money stolen by Onesimus.

Paul shows an example of divine forgiveness. It means following in the footsteps of Christ. I believe we need to develop this capacity to enable us to repair and restore broken relationships.

Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 17 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.

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