Two couples I saw over two days have features in common. Both couples are struggling with the crisis posed by infidelity. Both couples are in their early forties and have young children. All are professing Christians. And with both couples, I am addressing the area of emotions.
As can be expected, infidelity—especially when the betrayal is not an isolated occurrence—can unleash a whole range of emotions. There is the expected hurt, sadness, disappointment, disgust and anger by the hurt party. These feelings may come in waves and be punctuated by periods of calm when some hope is restored. They can be recycled several times.
Often the hurt party’s anguish is so dominant that all attention is focused on assuring, soothing and placating this individual. In such instances, the betrayer’s feelings are often overlooked. But here too may be some strong feelings such as shame, regret or even anger at oneself at how things were allowed to spiral to this point.
Such strong emotions, though common and expected, are not the only way couples respond. This is where I find myself focusing with the two couples.
With one couple, the betrayer was the wife. After several denials, she was finally caught returning home from her lover’s place when she was thought to be at her office. Like something out of a movie, they caught sight of each other as their cars crossed paths. A dramatic car chase ended with the husband storming out of their home and staying away for a few days before returning of his own accord. The wife realised the extent of her actions and they have been trying to mend their marriage since then.
A year on, and with the couple now seeing me, I cannot help feeling that the husband’s emotions throughout the period have been rather restrained and mild. Except for the one time when he unexpectedly left the home and family, and withdrew to himself, he is the picture of a controlled person. When I asked about any feelings of anger or disappointment, he shifted uncomfortably but said that he felt these only mildly and seldom expressed them.
To be clear, I am not presuming that he is lying and refusing to admit to these emotions. I am also not suggesting that he should fly off the handle, scold or beat his wife. What I do wonder is if these emotions are being locked away somewhere within himself only to fester or boil over one day in ways unexpected. In terms of their relationship, I also wonder if perhaps his muted emotions are a reason why his wife seems to address her own actions in a superficial manner too. The superficiality of her addressing her betrayal may in turn further fuel the husband’s feelings of insecurity.
They are a lovely couple to work with. They display attentiveness to each other and obviously care a lot for one another. But their desire to rein in their emotions is perhaps not allowing their relationship to come to grips with some painful issues and then to heal.
For the other couple, the wife’s initial response to uncovering her husband’s infidelity was one of shock. As she collected herself, her immediate concern was not to let the shock waves of her discovery send a tsunami into their children’s lives.
I had warned her that keeping a tight lid on her emotions may lead to a time when they will be unleashed. Our counselling sessions, which can be emotionally charged and have uncertain outcomes, seek to provide a space where the couple can talk about these strong emotions in a safe and constructive manner.
Unfortunately, the wife’s readiness to talk of her pain and disappointment more openly is met with much discomfort, unease and resistance by her husband. He admits that one of his weaknesses is fear of conflict. He always avoided confrontation and in time, sought solace in the company of other women.
As the husband now tries something alien to him—to admit to his faults, take personal responsibility and face his fears—he likens it to entering a tunnel and being unsure if he would see the lights of an oncoming train.
These two cases speak of the importance of good communication to help resolve issues. Some conversations may be about difficult matters such as deep-seated emotions and feelings towards others.
At times, we may have to have an inner dialogue with ourselves first, to sort out our feelings before expressing them clearly to others.
Moreover, for such conversations to be constructive, they have to be welcomed by the other and received with thoughtful consideration instead of a quick counterattack. Speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) is loving only when the other party is open to it. Seeking God’s wisdom for an appropriate time and place is key.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 18 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.