I had a big breakup with two of my secondary school friends. Since the start of the year, we had multiple one-sided arguments and they hurt me unknowingly (or maybe not). I stay in the northeast, and they stay in the central area. Once, they scolded me for not compromising to their request to meet in the central area, but most of the time, I do, in fact, meet them there. Recently, I gained a lot of weight due to health issues and they have been fat-shaming me, saying my ugliness and weight gain is the cause of my singleness. What should I do?
Ai Jin says
Dear n,
You must be feeling hurt, accused and misunderstood by your two friends. Because you care about their opinions and friendship, you have inadvertently let what they say about you affect you.
In the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No?, Dr Henry Cloud describes boundaries to be like fences. We need boundaries to keep things that will nurture us inside our fence and keep things that will harm us outside. Inside, you have your own thoughts and feelings, and you are responsible for them. If we want others to know what we think and feel, we must tell them. Conversely, we need to question the comments made by persons outside our boundaries before we let them in. Keep unkind words outside your fence and not let them have power over you. We don’t always have to agree and let them become our thoughts. Consider the words of others before letting them in: is it what you believe to be true about yourself?
The Bible says you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). May you let God’s truth have a nurturing presence over your heart.
Abide in God’s love and assurance for you (John 15:9). It is also God who judges (Psalm 75:7). Let’s entrust your two friends to God. If you want, you can approach them, one on one, to let them know how you truly feel. They might not be aware of how they’ve hurt you or they might disagree with you, but at least you were able to speak up to honour yourself. It may also be helpful for you to seek out other supportive friends who can come to your defence, or talk things through with your small group leader, pastor or a counsellor to give yourself clarity and the support you need.
