I was recently asked a question which got me thinking about labels we use to describe experiences we go through and to identify behaviours we observe.
The question had to do with interactions with a “Christian narcissist”. The enquirer described such an individual thus: “Someone who uses Scripture and spirituality to gaslight others. He appears pious to outsiders but only his family knows the truth. How do we deal with him and set healthy boundaries?”
I have heard people being called out as narcissists, but the term “Christian narcissist” is a new one for me. It spoke to me of two trends which I have noticed.
The first is the growing use of terminology from the field of psychology, counselling and mental health, or Therapy Speak. Terms like “narcissist”, “toxic personality” or “trauma from rejection” are a few examples I have come across lately. It seems like our growing awareness of mental health issues has opened up a new lexicon for everyday use.
However, the liberal use of diagnostic labels carries the risk of misuse.
As a clinical supervisor, I have opportunities to help clinicians hone their counselling skills. One thing I often do is to identify if a counsellor has correctly assessed the client’s difficulties. For instance, I often check if a client described as being depressive has indeed been diagnosed as such by a qualified mental health professional or if the description is based on the client reporting feeling depressed. This is an important distinction because the recommended treatment for a client who is feeling sad and one who is clinically depressed is different.
The second trend is the association between an individual’s observed behaviour and personal identity. For example, someone who behaves in a narcissistic manner is labelled a narcissist. This highlights the importance of an accurate diagnosis since an inaccurate diagnosis of a person’s problem would lead to an inaccurate label being attached to the person. It must be said, though, that establishing an accurate diagnosis can be a difficult process and even professionals may disagree with one another.
Another thing to keep in mind is that a label does not describe everything about a person. We are more than a label given to us. For example, a person who is obsessive-compulsive in a particular area may not show any symptoms of compulsion in other aspects of their lives.
Moreover, besides the condition which may be exhibited from time to time, there could be areas of competence and strengths as well as periods of lucid and tempered behaviour. I remember a client who had tried to end his life three times and was diagnosed as being schizophrenic despite professional success as a long-serving lecturer at a tertiary institution. He not only had a doctorate in his area of discipline but over the years also picked up a theological degree and a Master degree in Counselling too!
Lest I give the impression of being against all forms of labelling, let me declare that I am not. There are many instances where being able to give a name to one’s experience may bring relief and enable access to the appropriate treatment. I have helped clients recognise that what they have endured is nothing short of abuse by calling it such. It is such an irony that being labelled a victim of abuse can have a liberating effect because many may have felt that the harm they were suffering was normal.
In short, there is a place for labels but let us use them sparingly. Let us not resort to using labels as a short cut for understanding and relating to others. Moreover, when the terms have meanings specific to a particular profession, let us avoid using them unless competent to do so.
In short, there is a place for labels but let us use them sparingly. Let us not resort to using labels as a short cut for understanding and relating to others. Moreover, when the terms have meanings specific to a particular profession, let us avoid using them unless competent to do so.
Returning to the question about “Christian narcissist”, I find this term an oxymoron because Christians should neither be self-loving nor self-serving. Neither should a follower of Christ be quarrelsome or hypocritical in their conduct. Before going further and attaching more labels to someone I have not met, let me respond to the question with advice to keep a safe distance from such individuals.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 20 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.
