A couple recently sought counselling for their “communication breakdown” and to “learn better ways of communicating”. They found themselves fighting habitually, so much so that conversations with each other had become impossible. Even mundane small talk could be misunderstood and trigger an argument. Listening to them describe their constant quarrels, I saw that they had a habit (or routine behaviour repeated again and again, perhaps unconsciously) of one often seeming to pursue the other, who in turn would flee.
In this case, the wife usually pursued closeness and connection while the husband avoided her overtures. With each frustrated attempt to connect, the wife became more desperate. Her husband’s retreat was his way of reducing further conflict. However, the peace he sought remained elusive.
You may be wondering what was keeping this pattern (a term couple therapists often use) going since it seemed not to satisfy or benefit either one of them.My view is that this cyclical pattern was sustained by the wife’s insecurity about their relationship. This feeling led her to reach out to connect with her husband for reassurance. However, he, in perceiving that her drawing near might lead to tension and conflict, would retreat. In observing his pulling away, the wife would redouble her efforts, only to be met with more silence and distance.
At the same time, although avoidance gave him some safety, the husband was plagued by guilt for causing his wife such distress. Occasionally, he summoned his courage to connect with her but by then, she was inconsolable. Things would remain at a standoff for a few days while each party licked their wounds till the next round of pursuit and withdrawal.
Ironically, what sustained this pattern was the same for both of them—the emotion of anxiety. The wife’s anxiety arose from her feeling that the relationship was stagnating and the husband’s anxiety was that he was unable to meet her needs. We might be tempted to think that a simple solution would be for them to offer reassurance to each other to allay some of their respective fears. This might have worked, if not for the depth of each one’s anxiety.
This was apparent when I suggested that rather than seeing her husband’s lack of responsiveness as indifference to her pain, it was his disappointment with himself for not being an adequate partner. On hearing this, he broke down in deep sobs. The wife too displayed an intense reaction by shutting down her own emotions and looking away with a glazed expression.
I suspect that her anxiety around losing connection and his about being inadequate have much deeper roots, perhaps even predating their relationship. They may have some unfinished business, e.g. residual disappointment from the past that still affects their current thinking.
Here too is another type of pattern all of us may have—habits formed around fixed ways of thinking about ourselves. For instance, thinking that we are always right or smarter than others. Or perhaps the reverse is true, e.g. some may think that they are not good enough a child or a parent. Poor or inaccurate ways of thinking may lead to and sustain unhelpful behavioural patterns.
What habits or patterns of behaviour and ways of thinking do each of us have? Sometimes we are unaware of them until someone points them out to us. For instance, tailgating the car ahead of ours or eating excessively. How helpful are these habits in meeting your needs, in helping you get along better with people or in drawing you closer to God?
What habits or patterns of behaviour and ways of thinking do each of us have? How helpful are these habits in meeting your needs, in helping you get along better with people or in drawing you closer to God?
One positive pattern that is often suggested involves expressing gratitude. Take a moment to appreciate what we have or what others have done for us and say thank you. This may be particularly poignant for those of us who have been blessed, individually and as a community, with much. For instance, we in Singapore may take for granted that effective and efficient services should always be available. Expressing gratitude is a good habit to cultivate today. It may not change the external circumstances but will go a long way in changing our internal outlook.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 20 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.
