My German friend pointed out seven brass objects shaped as cobblestones in front of a house. Inscribed on them were the names of the seven members of a Jewish family who once lived there. They were evicted and sent to concentration camps, never to be heard of again.
This is just one of several reminders of the tragic events of Hitler’s “Final Solution” when millions died.
I asked my friend how it felt to be reminded of such events—to have this sense of collective guilt stirred up again and again, especially when the perpetrators were from another generation. His answer was that while it made him feel uneasy, there is concern that if such memories are forgotten, history might repeat itself.
This conversation set me thinking about memories—how they serve us and how they afflict us. How we try to treasure some and how they so easily slip away. How they hold important lessons for us and yet are so quickly forgotten.
The topic of memories is especially important in my work as a counsellor. Some clients are dealing with memories of traumatic events they went through. Although the events may be from many years ago, the effects still haunt them. For example, children who grow up with abusive and neglectful parents may develop difficulties trusting others. They may also have very negative views of themselves and feel unworthy of being loved and treated decently. Such individuals can live under a cloud of self-loathing and social anxiety.
Painful events can shape the way we view the world and even ourselves. The difficulty of dealing with painful memories is that our memories can sometimes be unreliable, biased and incorrect. They are based on our recollection and perception of things which may be very personal.
Painful events can shape the way we view the world and even ourselves. The difficulty of dealing with painful memories is that our memories can sometimes be unreliable, biased and incorrect. They are based on our recollection and perception of things which may be very personal.
In the early 80s and 90s, there were cases of individuals who were helped to recover memories of some past trauma. In so doing, they found greater self-awareness of their struggles and gained better control of their lives. But being able to uncover some of these “repressed memories” can be tricky as overly enthusiastic helping professionals may either uncover these memories or implant false ones. This is why the mental health community is very cautious about working with unclear or unstable memories.
The other important point about memories is that they lie in past events that we cannot change. What we do have some control over is the present. Even though one may have been raised in a way that made us feel insignificant, now that we are older, we can take control over how we view ourselves. No longer do we have to see ourselves through the eyes of others. We can deliberately choose to reflect more accurately on our good points. Remember, the key word here is accurate, rather than just focusing on either our positives or our negatives.
Going one step further, after developing an accurate and unbiased view of yourself, you may give some thought to how your parents raised you. Most of the time, I find parents generally do the best they can, even if their ways are not always right nor helpful. Being caned for minor faults or humiliated in front of our peers is seen as harsh and cruel by today’s standards. But some of our parents did not know any better.
Seeing painful events in a new way does not make them more acceptable but hopefully, it reduces their toxicity. If, however, you are troubled by some things that may have happened to you in the past, do see a counsellor.
Finally, we can choose what we want to recall and how to remember the past. If nations and generations of people must live with a painful past, surely, as individuals, we can too.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 17 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.