My adult son has a male partner. Earlier this year, it was revealed to us that they have been together for 12 years and have bought an apartment overseas. He knows that as Christian parents we would not accept this type of relationship. What can we do besides pray? How can we align his values back to God’s?
Joey says
Dear Lost parents,
It must have come as a shock to you that your son is in a committed homosexual relationship. The first thing to do is to get support for yourselves for this a challenging journey.
For a start, speak to your pastor. The truelove.is website (https://truelove.is/) also has resources and a helpline you may find useful. Books like Out of A Far Country (Christopher Yuan & Angela Yuan), Holy Sexuality and the Gospel (Christopher Yuan), Good News For Bruised Reeds: Walking with Same-Sex Attracted Friends (edited by Joanna Hor et al) will also be helpful for you to work out a godly approach to relating with your son and his partner. When you are unsure how to respond, turn to God in prayer and reach out to God’s people for wisdom.
As Christians, we know that God’s design is meant to help us thrive. You want him to live in alignment with God’s values because that is how he will be blessed. However, your son—because he does not have a thriving personal relationship with God—probably will not see that now. If you come from the angle of changing his behaviour or beliefs, you will not be able to make any headway, but instead are likely to alienate him further. Your goal should be to see him have a thriving personal relationship with God. When he is won over by God’s love, he will willingly and gladly align himself with God. In other words, you cannot align his values back to God’s through human efforts. Only God can work in and change his heart. It means giving up your desire to control and surrendering your child to God. It means relying on the Holy Spirit to work in his heart, and to give you wisdom in navigating the relationship.
The second thing you must do: continue to fast and pray from a position of faith. Prayer is the most powerful weapon you have. No one prays for a child the way a parent does: with urgency, tenacity and boldness. The Canaanite woman in Matthew 15:21-28 comes to mind. Fasting also strengthens the power of our intercessory prayer (Mark 9:14-29), so I encourage you to fast as you are able to (not to the extent that it damages your health). Even though your son has turned his back on God for now, God loves your son and is still pursuing him. In fact, God loves him even more than you do. This means God will be your greatest partner in your endeavour to draw your son back into a relationship with God.
The third is to listen with love. That means not being quick to judge, not becoming emotional and not being dismissive of your son’s beliefs. He may have misgivings and misconceptions about God. For instance, he may think of God as an outdated and irrelevant concept. He may not see how God’s laws lead to thriving and instead see them as arbitrary restrictions. Seek to understand his misgivings about God. Then equip yourself to respond with the truth of God’s goodness.
The fourth is to let your life be a testimony to what a blessed life in Christ looks like. Pursue a thriving personal relationship with God. When your son sees that God is real in your life— when he witnesses the goodness of God in your life, observes your transformation into Christlikeness and experiences the fruit of the Spirit in his interactions with you—it will stir in him the desire to get to know God for himself. Your relationship with God will also sustain you on this journey.
Finally, while relating to his partner will be uncomfortable, it is important to think about how to navigate that in a godly manner that honours both God’s truth and God’s love. You should not approve of things that go against God’s truths. (This probably need not be said as your son and his partner likely already know: if an occasion arises where you need to take a position, always stand on God’s truth.) However, you can embody God’s love and mercy for this person.
Above all, it is important that your son feels God’s unconditional love through you. Loving unconditionally does not mean approving his lifestyle choices, but it does mean assuring him that you will never stop loving him as your son.
