A young wife laments, “I am married but lonely. My husband cares more about his job than me.”
An adamant youth protests, “What’s wrong with watching porn? Everyone does it.”
A middle-aged husband despairs, “Now that our kids are all grown up, I don’t even recognise my wife anymore.”
While the above quotes are fictional, Focus on the Family Singapore (FOTFS) has found these situations to be common within Christian families. Concerned with the institution of marriage and the family unit coming under societal pressure, FOTFS has hosted State of the Family (SOTF), an annual gathering of family advocates, since 2015. This year’s theme was “Missional Families”. The half-day, by invitation only, conference explored how Christian families can form seedbeds to better society and culture. FOTFS firmly believes that when marriages break down, inevitable wounds threaten the stability of a nation.
Two plenaries sought to clarify what a “Missional Family” meant. The first discussed how families could live out their faith, i.e. how to be missional in a world with opposing values. Amidst the wide-ranging discussions, there was a repeated call for families to “look outwards”, to be a blessing to the nations and a blessing to all peoples. This piece of theology is not often strongly emphasised, even though it forms a part of our Christian foundation (see the Abrahamic Call, particularly Genesis 12:3).
The panel, comprising the first plenary, discussed the issue of insular, “inward-looking” families. Dr Suzanne Choo, Head (Research) at the Singapore Centre for Character and Citizenship Education at the National Institute of Education, Nanyang Technological University, Singapore, noted its similarity in character with a spirit of self-idolatry that is visible in many areas of popular culture. Since looking inwards typically implies being consumed by daily pragmatic concerns, Rev Daniel Wee, Vicar of Church of Our Saviour, warned against the erosive force that such “work-talk” can have on the spiritual and emotional depth of family relationships.
However, looking inwards does not always necessarily imply insularity. Founder of 3:16 Church, Pastor Ian Toh, reminded participants of the attraction of “beauty” and its ability to cultivate an inward desire for love and goodness within the family. Such a family leaves an “inward” legacy—the beauty and goodness of God—that naturally inspires a reaching out to the world in the like. One such “beauty” could be a safe and loving home that is not harsh and embodies forgiveness.
The second plenary discussed pathways which this “mission” could take. Rev Raymond Fong, Pastor-in-Charge of Wesley Methodist Church, called for Christians to refine their theological understanding of the family. A more complete understanding would see families include concerns beyond its immediate members.
Taking into consideration the ordinary character that is family life, Dr Jacqueline Chung, a senior director at Anglican Preschool Services, reminded that the “powerful shaping force” of family is found in daily living. Truthfully and prayerfully living out Christian faith, hope and love, families powerfully shape a deep-set Christian identity in its members. Also, as being “missional” may also be seen as another dreary “task”, Pastor Debbie Yow of 3:16 Church suggested the idea of incorporating fun. She shared a personal example where her family habitually includes other children, whose families may be struggling, in their own leisure activities.
Annually, SOTF also seeks to share their findings and trends on marriage and family. This year’s data is taken from FOTFS’ Connect2 Marriage Assessment, a tool that aims to understand the health of a marriages. This tool, originally designed by marital counsellors Drs Greg and Erin Smalley, has been adapted for local context. It is available to interested churches and organisations. The statistics revealed a heightened proportion of marital dissatisfaction in certain marital demographic groups.
The two plenaries were followed by two workshops. Mrs Jenny Lie-Teo, a marriage enrichment trainer, and Mr Tan Nam Seng, founder of Bridging Hearts Ltd, conducted one workshop entitled “Reconnecting Marriages.” Spurred by the many struggling marriages she works with, Jenny, who is a Methodist, stressed the value of marriage enrichment, and the constructive role it plays for all couples. “If tuition in Singapore is a billion-dollar industry,” she asked, “why do we not do the same for our marriages?”
The benefits of marriage mentorship were also mentioned. Using the Connect2 Marriage Assessment tool, Mr Tan presented results for mentored marriages, which scored better in every aspect compared to non-mentored marriages.
The second workshop, “Reclaiming Identity”, was conducted by Rev Jenni Ho-Huan from ChurchLife!, a ministry that consults for churches. Passionate to help Christians develop authentic faith through cultivating self-awareness and spiritual disciplines, Rev Ho-Huan spoke about ways the church can support the next generation to anchor their identity. A confused sense of identity in children is often a corollary when marriages break down, which, in turn, leads to a weakened stance towards the institution of marriage and family when these children come of age, a negative cycle.
The institution of marriage and family coming under pressure is pervasive. For that, different individuals and institutions have their respective part to play. In relation to the Methodist Church, two pastors, one from the Chinese Annual Conference (CAC) and another from the Trinity Annual Conference (TRAC), called for the need to form deeper relationships that can embrace vulnerability and form safe spaces for struggling families, children and marriages. “Beyond programmes, there is a need for deep and intentional relationships. The doorway into lives is through such relationships. Without them, struggles go unnoticed,” says Rev Glenn Tan, a pastor at Telok Ayer Chinese Methodist Church (CAC).
Rev Raymond Fong, Pastor-in-Charge of Wesley Methodist Church, who spoke at the plenary, said, “The size of our Methodist institution must nevertheless enable the forming of safe spaces for deep empathy and growth.”
It is possible that a lack of such safe spaces could be a reality. Mrs Lie-Teo observed that many couples who attend her marriage workshops shy away from attending the like in their churches. “Marital issues seem to be taboo within the church. Often, if a couple attends marriage enrichment by the church, it makes it seem that the marriage is on the rocks. A lack of normalising marital conflicts within churches often leads to marriages seeking help too late.”
For more coverage on State of the Family 2025, please visit:
https://saltandlight.sg/news/state-of-the-family-2025-what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-missional-family/
and
Flourishing or floundering? A snapshot of the state of marriages in the Church
Terence Chua worships at Living Hope Methodist Church. / Photos courtesy of Focus on the Family Singapore