There’s a guy in my church who keeps harassing the girls and getting overly physical with us. I’m told he has special needs, and I know that can be challenging to address. We don’t want to get him in trouble if he truly has no understanding of social norms and appropriate behaviour. On the other hand, that shouldn’t give him the licence to touch us or speak to us inappropriately and make us uncomfortable. What should we do?
Sue-Lynn says
Dear conflicted,
Other than a limited understanding of social norms and appropriate behaviours, adults with special needs may engage in inappropriate speech or behaviours for a variety of reasons. This includes social and communication difficulties like using inappropriate language they hear elsewhere without fully understanding the impact and impulsivity like saying what is on their mind without filtering what they say. As they experience the world differently, there are also sensory-seeking needs, so touching others, albeit inappropriately, may make them feel connected or have a self-calming effect.
Find a time to speak to one of your church leaders about your concerns. Be objective and talk about the incidents like when and how the behaviours started. You can also explain how his actions have caused distress to some girls, leading them to feel harassed. Speak about your uncertainty in how to respond to him without getting him into trouble. The aim of this discussion is to allow the church leader to be aware of the situation and how to handle it carefully, with wisdom and love.
If there are people in your church with experience working with adults with special needs, the church leader could engage them to help. They can speak directly with him, or with his parents/caregiver if they attend church together. Literal, direct and clear communication with adults with special needs is important. First, seek to understand more about the nature of his special needs. Then, share about the incidents, with the aim of coming up with a collaborative plan.
The plan could include helping him understand what are appropriate versus inappropriate behaviours/speech towards females and how they affect them. It could also include how the affected females can respond specifically. For example, they can step back and say in a kind, but firm tone, “Remember, hands to yourself” or “That makes me feel uncomfortable. I need you to stop”. Once the plan is decided, your church leader can update you and monitor the situation, acting as a mediator between parties involved. Your church leader may also speak with your parents.
In the long-term, it may be helpful for your church to consider understanding more about being a disability-inclusive church. For example, Koinonia Inclusive Network or KIN, is a Singapore-based disability mission organisation that enables the Church to welcome and disciple people of all abilities (https://kin.org.sg/whole-church-inclusion/) and has whole church inclusion workshops and consultations for your church or church leaders.
