I am friends with a couple and have known the husband and wife for nearly a decade now. On the outside, they look like the perfect couple—stable jobs, great kids, nice house, God-fearing family. However, both the husband and wife confide in me separately and share their deepest, darkest secrets with me. They do not know that I am hearing both sides of their stories. I have told them to talk to each other in my separate chats, or to consider couples counselling. How should I tell them I do not want to be involved and that it’s too much for me?
Benny says
Dear Friend in the middle,
One of the gifts and responsibilities of being a close friend to someone is that they may take you into their confidence. As they trust you, they may begin to confide in you more and more. Even if they do not do so to get some advice or some concrete form of assistance, the mere fact that they can share with someone they trust and whom they believe cares for them, affords them some temporary relief.
It is a gift because being taken into someone’s confidence is not a given. It is also a gift as you, the listener, makes yourself available. To your credit, not one but both these friends have come to see you as someone in whom they can confide.
It is a responsibility too because your friends may expect that you keep their sharing to yourself. Caring and yet restraining oneself is not always easy. It takes a special quality, a good set of skills and finally, loads of discipline to do so.
What complicates matters is that each has independently shared things about the other. Their sharing may colour how you see each friend. Listening to their “deepest, darkest secrets” sounds like it is taking a toll on you.
It is right to encourage them to speak with each other and resist being the messenger. Avail yourself less and less to both, but let them know that this is a deliberate action on your part as you value their friendship and cannot help but feel drawn in to be their counsellor, a role which you do not want nor are able to manage.
Additionally, providing a listening ear may give them sufficient relief to tolerate and cope with the current situation and thereby delay their need to resolve the problems. It may, in the long run, prove to be unhelpful.
