I read the responses to the 1 February 2024 and 1 January 2026 posts on masturbation. My struggle is my sex drive is considerably higher than my partner’s. We spoke about it with each other and the reasons cited centre around being tired or busy. My partner is aware of my higher sex drive and has tried on occasions. However, I feel bad about wanting intimacy when my partner is tired/busy and have tried exercising care by keeping the desire to myself when I see my partner tired/busy. But there are instances when I find the desire difficult to cope with. In such situations, if I am able to keep my mental focus away from anything but to just be relieved, is it then okay to masturbate?
Benny says
Dear J,
This is an issue that does concern you as evident by how you have read up on past replies (in 1 February 2024 and 1 January 2026) on this topic and how you have made the effort to write your query. I am going to assume that this is your spouse whether husband or wife, as sexual relations are designed to be between husband and wife only.
I’m glad to see that your relationship with your spouse is important to you. You have been open to him/her about your desires and are sensitive not to impose your wishes upon him/her. You also desperately want to do what is right to satisfy your urge and do what is right before God and for your spouse.
To summarise the earlier responses from this column, the response made is that although masturbation is certainly a better option than using the sexual services of prostitutes when sex with one’s spouse is unavailable, the concern of what thoughts we entertain whilst relieving ourselves is important. Using pornography or visualising sex with other persons can cause us to commit the sin of adultery. Your note seems to ask if it is permissible to just have physiological relief if we do not engage in sinful thoughts. My personal opinion is to allow for it if this provides you relief.
May I also offer two other ideas. If your spouse and you are open, you might involve your spouse in the act of stimulating you without necessarily proceeding to the full act of sexual intercourse. This way, sexual fulfilment, be it only for one party, is done within the confines of a loving marriage. This option is sometimes used by couples where they may be, for various reasons, unable to have intercourse but still wish to share physical intimacy with each other or to provide sexual relief to one another. Another idea is to consult a sex therapist or a medical doctor to determine if there is something of concern in both your sexual drives, which could be hormonal or psychological.
Couples will always have to resolve issues that they do not see eye-to-eye on. I want to applaud you on your efforts to be open about your needs. It takes being personally vulnerable and being willing to hear another person’s point of view. This is the starting point on how to resolve an issue where there is no clear right or wrong answer.
