Life can be very unpredictable and some may say unfair. This is especially so when things outside our control happen to us. This includes being born with a disability or into a family where the level of care falls short. Or being betrayed by someone we trust. Or being in the wrong place at the wrong time when hit by a crime. When we find ourselves in such circumstances, we feel like a victim.
We often respond to such unfortunate situations with some form of questioning and soul searching. We may wonder if we could have done anything to prevent it. This may lead to blaming ourselves over every minute decision we could have made differently to prevent it. An example of this is a date rape victim who blames herself for not keeping an eye on her drinks at a party. Maybe then, she thinks, no one would have had a chance to put something into her drink. Or maybe she should not have gone on the date in the first place. As you can see, this self-examination can spiral into a whole string of “what-ifs” or “maybes”.
When the difficulties are totally beyond one’s control, who do we blame? These reflections arise from meeting two clients with similar struggles. One was born with an incurable heart defect. The other was born into a family where his younger sibling has severe autism. Both are young men in their thirties, well-educated and hold professional jobs. The first impression one gets is that they have a bright future ahead. Yet as one digs deeper, their outlook on life is pessimistic and they are even depressive in their mood.
It is hard for these young men, and I am sure for many other men and women, to plan for their future. Hopes of getting married and starting a family are all viewed through the lens of their personal challenges. They have taken to declaring their circumstances at the start of any romantic relationship so as not to “mislead” any interested party and then suffer the disappointment of rejection.
Earlier, I mentioned soul searching for who or what to blame. Such efforts are understandable as a way of venting some of the anger and frustration. Unfortunately, these strong emotions are usually not quenched. Instead, they may grow even stronger with all the blaming. This is because the purpose of the blaming ourselves or others is to find answers or ways to control our lives in future even though we could not prevent what has happened. The need to understand our life’s circumstances, to grieve when hurt and to gain some degree of control are all very natural human needs.
How should others respond to such persons? Well, for one, the search for answers should not be stifled nor cut short with trite responses like: “This is just the way it is. Sometimes bad things just happen, no one is to blame.” These responses may contain a grain of truth but if said too early, will only fan the flames of anger. What we can do is to listen with as much understanding as we can summon. We need to acknowledge the appropriate place for emotions like anger, rage and sadness.
We can then move on to having conversations about how they can live their lives in spite of these circumstances. Not because of the circumstances but even with them. What hopes and dreams can still be entertained? What interests can still be pursued and how can others help make them possible?
As believers, there is one other dimension to our response. We understand that nothing happens outside of God’s perfect and complete will. If we submit ourselves to it, we may find this to be a time when our faith can grow stronger.
We understand that nothing happens outside of God’s perfect and complete will. If we submit ourselves to it, we may find this to be a time when our faith can grow stronger.
We can find peace and rest even when these negative circumstances remain unchanged because even these situations cannot separate us from his love. When this happens, we change from being a helpless victim to a survivor and can even transform further to be a victorious child of God.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 18 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.