I would like to intentionally date a non-Christian guy. However, I wonder if it is permissible since Christians should not be “unequally yoked”. Our relationship has deepened over the past year, and he has been sharing more about his pluralistic views on faith with me. He believes in both Christianity and Buddhism. From the perspective of values, he sees so many more commonalities. When things are difficult, he reaches out to both religions. Are there fixed rules prohibiting such relationships and marriages? How should we work things out?
Joey says
Dear Wade,
I respond to your question as someone who has dated many non-Christians before I experienced the blessing of dating and marrying a God-loving man. I thought 2 Corinthians 6:14 was an unnecessarily restrictive and arbitrary rule. But now I see that God has given us commands because he loves us and wants the best for us. He tells us not to be “unequally yoked” not because it is wrong but because it is not the best for us.
When you say “intentionally date”, I take it to mean that you want to date with the intention of assessing whether you are suitable for marriage. It is good to be intentional about this because dating should lead to marriage: committing to marriage is the most loving thing one can do. So the thing to consider is whether he will make a good husband. There are three aspects to consider: attraction, character and values. Attraction is a basic but insufficient condition for pursuing marriage: attraction fades, and anyone will be attracted to more than one person. That’s where character and values come in. A stable marriage is anchored on character and values. With someone that has good character, you can—with reasonable confidence—predict if he will make married life a blessing. Some qualities to look for are integrity, wisdom, kindness and love.
Alignment on values is also key because values guide decisions, big and small. Misalignment in values creates friction in the marriage. You mentioned that he sees commonalities in the values between the two religions. What about the differences? It is important to have clarity on the differences and give them due consideration, because the differences will impact a marriage more than the commonalities.
Another thing to consider is how this relationship might affect your relationship with Christ. The truth is your relationship with Christ is the most important relationship because it determines your quality of life now, and your eternal fate.
Whether or not to date (and eventually marry) a non-Christian is not primarily about an issue of permissibility, but what your beliefs about God and marriage are. Do you believe that God has designed marriage as a blessing and he calls us into marriage for a sacred purpose? God has designed marriage for husband and wife to bless each other, help each other to grow in Christ-likeness (and in intimacy with God), to receive the blessings of children and raise the next generation that will pursue the Lord. When both husband and wife are anchored in God, there is an infinite well of love from God that flows into them that enables them to love one another selflessly. Their commitment to God anchors their commitment to each other. And when they hit rough patches (as marriages do), they can both turn to God and their godly community for wisdom and help. In short, a marriage is most blest when God is at the centre of it.
Before you embark on any relationship, take time to discover God’s vision for marriage. Timothy Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage and Gary Thomas’ Sacred Marriage are good books that can help you discover God’s beautiful design and purposes for marriage, to prepare you for a good marriage in the future. Let God write your love story. Trust God to bring you his best: a God-loving man at the right time who will be a blessing to you.
You mentioned that he believes in both Christianity and Buddhism. There are different degrees of believing. Believing in the good teachings of Jesus and finding it helpful is very different from believing that Jesus is God and Saviour. He seems open to God, but it would be better for him to figure out his relationship with Jesus on his own, without being emotionally entangled with you, so he can really own his faith in Christ. Wait for your friend to become a follower of Jesus on his own before considering beginning a relationship. In the meantime, have clear boundaries as friends and encourage him towards God-loving peers (male) who can journey with him. For yourself, anchor yourself in a community of God-loving women you trust and give them permission to keep you accountable.
The greatest gift you can give him is the gift of knowing Jesus as his Lord and Saviour, and he will be the greatest blessing to you when he becomes a man of God.
