“I think I finally get it.”
My client’s statement reflected a radical change although his circumstances had not changed much. His wife of nearly 15 years had left him about three years earlier and had not once made any direct contact since. Ostracised by friends and cut off from church, his only close human contact was with family members, with whom he frequently flared up when he felt they could be more sympathetic and supportive. He lived alone in the flat which was once the matrimonial home. He remained effectively jobless, living frugally on his savings.
Yet despite his unchanged situation and, might I say, a rather bleak one, there was something different about what he had been saying recently. That was when he said, “I think I finally get it.”
“Getting it” reflected his change in perspective as shown in his making fewer “me-focused” statements and more “other-focused” ones. For example, he stopped questioning how his ex-wife could leave him and not give him a second chance before applying for a divorce, often adding that such actions were not in keeping with the woman he knew and their marital vows. His new perspective acknowledged how much she had suffered over the years of living under his abuse. Under these circumstances, he concluded, her actions to protect herself were regrettable but also understandable.
Another example of the change related to his parents. Instead of expressing disappointment that his parents did not show greater support, he started saying that perhaps they did their best. He recognised that it was wrong to displace his anger onto them, especially when he had brought the situation on himself.
I cannot take any credit for my client’s turnaround. Although we had been meeting monthly for the past two years, I did not even see it coming till midway in the session when he shared his reflections.
This change of tune is something most counsellors hope to hear from their clients. We, as counsellors and therapists, try our best to identify the best ways to facilitate such a change. We believe that with such reflective personal insight, other changes can then follow. After all, seldom can we change others, what they say or what they do to us. Change often begins with and within ourselves.
A study by a group of researchers into what makes therapy effective has found four factors are common across the myriad of schools of counselling. These are: the effect of extra-therapeutic factors, a strong therapeutic relationship with the counsellor, the client’s hope and belief that what they are doing can help and the specific therapeutic suggestions and help provided.
These results have been confirmed by many other studies, with little variation across the various forms and manner of therapy given. It is humbling for professional helpers like me to know that most change results from factors outside of the direct therapy process. It seems that all our sophisticated counselling techniques pale in comparison to the positive effect of a strong and supportive therapeutic relationship with the client.
Going back to my client, he spoke of hearing a woman’s testimony about her experience of domestic violence. Even though he was probably familiar with parts of what he heard, her sharing spoke profoundly to him and moved him deeply. Such unplanned events fall under the category of extra-therapeutic factors. For some it can take the form of a near- death experience, of being given another chance or of being struck blind by a voice from heaven in order to see life differently. Knowing this, I am always on the lookout for incidental occurrences in my clients’ lives. For example, one had chanced upon a long-lost friend recently, which led me to ask: How did that encounter remind you of the earlier version of yourself?
Finally, this brings me to another factor—hope and expectancy for change.
For many clients struggling with chronic issues, change requires perseverance. A stubborn persistency is often fuelled by a hope for an improvement. This hope is also what is needed to give life to all the efforts to change. It is as if hope is the spark needed to ignite dead tinder into flames.
So, if you or someone you know seems stuck and unable to change, do not give up hope. While both of you wait for the opportunity to overcome seemingly intractable obstacles, be a supportive friend who is willing to walk alongside.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 19 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.
1 Mark A. Hubble, Barry L. Duncan & Scott D. Miller. The Heart and Soul of Change: Delivering What Works in Therapy. (1999) American Psychological Association.
