This year, as The Methodist Church of Singapore celebrates its 140 years in Singapore, Methodist Message (MM) collated a selection of my over 200 articles into a book entitled Restoration. Among the congratulatory messages received when the book was published, there was one unusual comment. I was asked: “So what’s next?” I did not have a ready answer as there is no plan for another publication. Personally, I am glad that what I had written over the years is being given another airing instead of being consigned to some dust heap.
This brings up a question some of us grapple with, usually at the later stages of our lives. It can take several forms. Some may ask, “Is this it?” They wonder as life’s final curtain descends, “Did I miss the main act?” Others may instead look backwards and wonder, “Will I be remembered or missed?” or “What will my legacy be?”
In today’s more self-centred world, the notion of accomplishing something before life ends can take the form of a “bucket list”—a list of goals one wants to achieve and life experiences one wants to savour for themselves, not necessarily for others. It may be to climb the pyramids or eat at the best Michelin restaurants in each continent.
Whatever may be on your list, either for yourself or for others, these form your raison de vivre or, roughly translated, your reason for living. The Japanese have perhaps a similar query encapsulated in the word ikigai, which speaks of the reason to get up in the morning.
What is your reason for living? This is a difficult and important existential question.
Each person’s answer will be different and unique to their circumstances. The reason may also change over time. It may have started with wanting to be a mother, then to raise one’s children, and later to care for an ailing spouse. There is no need to judge if one has a better or more noble reason than another as long as it is meaningful to the person concerned. Because it is this meaning and sense of purpose that drives us onward each day.
There is no need to judge if one has a better or more noble reason than another as long as it is meaningful to the person concerned. Because it is this meaning and sense of purpose that drives us onward each day.
As I ponder this question, let me share my reason for writing a column for MM each month over these nearly 20 years. I must admit that it has at times been a chore and always a challenge. There are days and weeks when my mind draws a blank. But thankfully an idea or a story eventually comes my way. Often, it’s a story or part of one that a client had shared with me during counselling. To protect my clients’ privacy, I take care not to divulge personal details but focus more on the key issues these clients are struggling with. It is these issues and the nuggets of wisdom arising from them that I find compelling to share.
A recent case in point is when I met an ex- client from some years ago. He came to see me then about his marital problems, which took a turn for the worse when he had an affair. When he was found out, his wife gave him a choice—the family or the other woman. He knew that divorce meant being cut off from all contact with his children.
He also knew that ending the affair would not automatically see his marriage improve. On the contrary, he knew that he was so far down the totem pole that this transgression only sealed his position.
I asked my ex-client which he had chosen. Unsurprisingly, he decided to stay with the family. Then I asked about his marital situation. Unfortunately, it is not in the best state, with the couple sleeping apart, frequent cold wars and verbal barbs being sent his way. But surprisingly, he added that things are better. It seems that the couple have come to recognise and accept that things are what they are. They are aware that they are at best co-parents and though they disagree, they choose not to argue, at least not in front of the children. The fights stop before they become lethal to the marriage.
I probed him on how he was doing. He started out saying that in the past, he aimed to be happy but now what he wants is to be there for his children.
With a smile and a twinkle in his eye, he has replaced personal happiness with stability and harmony. This, it seems, is his current raison de vivre. Thankfully, he has made this reorientation of his life goals willingly though the cards are somewhat stacked against him. I find his choice admirable. It is a reminder that even when we make sacrifices, we can still reap the benefit of finding satisfaction in living in a way that is consistent with our values.
It is stories and life lessons such as these that spur me on to write. They are worth recounting and I hope sharing them will benefit others. So long as the narratives present themselves and there is opportunity to write, I will stay on this path.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 19 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.