Honouring our parents is the fifth of the Ten Commandments. While some of us may struggle with keeping this commandment completely and constantly, my client had a particularly tough challenge—how to honour one parent without upsetting the other.
Her parents were in the midst of divorce, an acrimonious one at that. They had completed the first stage of the two-stage divorce process, i.e. the Courts had granted an interim judgement three years earlier. However, they were still not able to resolve all matters relating to the marriage in order to move on to the next stage where the Courts give a final judgement. While her parents’ divorce dragged out, much changed in all their lives.
One of the changes was that some strong feelings had apparently cooled off. Although she initially felt strong emotions towards her father for his poor treatment of her mother that compelled her to eventually seek a divorce, my client is now able to take a more mature and independent position with respect to her father, and recognise some good in him in his efforts to maintain ties with her.
Another big change was that my client was in a relationship with a young man and they planned to marry soon. Hence, her dilemma—whether to involve her father in their wedding—as she believed he might want to participate and be acknowledged. On the other hand, her mother had explicitly expressed her wish that her father be excluded.
The list of concerns my client described was long. Her mother felt that if triggered by her ex-husband’s presence, a day meant to be a happy occasion would turn out otherwise. Moreover, if father and mother were to meet, he could not be counted on not to say or do things that might lead to public confrontation. The young couple thought of physically separating her parents but knew that even if they did so, they could not ensure that her father would not confront his ex-wife. Then there was the concern that her father might want his relatives, friends and business associates to be invited to the celebration. This was unacceptable to both my client and her mother.
My client toyed with the idea of avoiding any unpleasantness by not informing her father of her wedding. She quickly dismissed the notion as she felt he might be even more upset and hurt when he would finally learn of it. So she wondered, given the many concerns, if she were to inform but not invite her father, would he feel disrespected, and might it give rise to further estrangement from him?
I began my response by asking a question that surprised even me. I asked who was paying for the various segments of the wedding. After all, Chinese tradition dictates that if one’s parents cover the cost of the dinner, they get the privilege of inviting their family and friends. In this instance, her mother was to be the main financier.
Secondly, I asked a rhetorical question of whose wedding it was. If indeed it was her and her husband-to-be’s wedding, they should make all the key decisions, which include the guest list. Finally, I mentioned that it was good that she wanted to honour her father but there were other ways of honouring him besides on this one day of her life.
I shared with her how a close friend was very hurt when he was not invited to his daughter’s wedding. His marriage had been dissolved some years earlier and his ex-wife had remarried. Although father and daughter had maintained a close relationship, the mother was adamant about excluding him from all the day’s proceedings. I comforted my friend by saying that there were other ways to show his daughter his love and support, including his meeting his future son-in-law together with his daughter before the wedding itself. By “withdrawing” graciously from being present at the wedding, he was showing her how her happiness was paramount to him. To this day, many years on, the father-daughter relationship remains strong.
Let me say that my friend’s response also showed the other side of God’s commandment to honour our parents, i.e. the role and response of parents. Parents cannot expect to be honoured if they have conducted themselves dishonourably. As parents, have we related to our children in a manner that makes it almost unnecessary to command our children to honour us? If we have loved them and been responsible in caring for them, I believe most children will naturally want to find ways to honour us.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 18 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.