The sentence, “You must be the change you want to see in your life” is often attributed to the late Mahatma Gandhi, the great social activist and strong advocate of personal empowerment. Regardless of who actually wrote this, it reflects a positive change that I do see in my clients from time to time. It is as if being in the crucible of difficult encounters brings forth gems for life.
Two of my clients, faced with different life challenges, came to the same conclusion—you cannot change others, you can only change yourself. This realisation led to the next important epiphany: that only if one sees a need to change, does the journey of change begin.
Let me briefly describe these clients’ challenges so that we can appreciate how difficult it was for them to come to these realisations.
The first is a woman in her 40s who had been repeatedly betrayed by her husband. As she struggled with trying to trust him again, she experienced waves of despair, anxiety and anger. What did not help was how the husband reacted to her anger by getting angry himself. Let me quickly add here that the couple is clear that the wife’s past behaviour is NOT the sole cause for the husband’s infidelity. He has taken full responsibility for straying from his marital vows. But the healing of their relationship could begin only when both worked together towards rebuilding.
To his credit, he had been making attempts to repair the marriage. However, when angered, he would refer to how her “caustic behaviour” over the years was a cause of their troubled marriage. Such responses, which both agreed were valid, only increased their emotional instability.
Then came something unexpected and almost out of the blue. In a one-to-one session, the wife shared that perhaps it was time to start examining her own behaviour and working on herself so as to improve their relationship.
This awareness is priceless, and not something in which I had any part. Some external events had made her more aware of the urgency of the need to break the deadlock between herself and her husband. Some close friends also spoke about it. But this realisation needed something more than just an intellectual understanding. It had to come from deep within herself. As believers, we may see this as an epiphany brought about only when we are confronted by a deeper truth.
The second client is a woman in her late 60s, whose marriage is in the doldrums. After the marital relationship had stagnated for some years, she feared her husband was drawing away from her. Like chalk and cheese, the couple often have differences and a cold war descends, punctuated by occasional jabs at each other.
In the earlier years of their marriage, they were busy with their only child and their successful careers. With their child now grown up and living overseas, their retirement had left them with more time to introspect and brood.
This client’s epiphany took the form of her realising that her expectations and negative thinking needed to change. While discussing her marriage and husband, she concluded that while there were areas for improvement, e.g. while he could be less gruff in his responses and more affectionate, there were also some good points. Their marriage of over 40 years has largely stayed the same and to expect things to be different now, even become ideal, might be too much to hope for.
Both these clients’ realisation is not to be seen as resignation or surrendering to their circumstances. If this were so, the accompanying emotions would be sadness, self-pity and despair. Rather, they had realistically assessed their circumstances and were ready to accept the part they played in them. The accompanying emotions and response were humility, calm and a renewed resolve to work on themselves and their situation.
Both these clients’ realisation is not to be seen as resignation or surrendering to their circumstances. If this were so, the accompanying emotions would be sadness, self-pity and despair. Rather, they had realistically assessed their circumstances and were ready to accept the part they played in them. The accompanying emotions and response were humility, calm and a renewed resolve to work on themselves and their situation.
Do you find yourself in a deadlocked situation, frustrated that others or circumstances around you are not improving? Perhaps it is we who should consider being the change, be it in our expectations or responses to circumstances. As we adjust and move forward in our journey of change, we may well see the change we want in our life.
Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 18 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.